The boyfriend formarly known as Prom Date

I met Prom Date many moons ago. Back in the heady days of freshman year of high school. I was just getting out of my awkward phase and realizing hey, boys really do like me! And Prom Date was a senior with a thing for girls with crazy colored hair.

He destroyed my bridge.

We lost touch after he left school but kept bumping into each other as it's a small town and a small world. It's so funny to hear about those interactions from his point of view. We look at those memories so differently.

Prom Date and I starting hanging out again because of a mutual friend. Little did I know he was following my tale of IIH woe on facebook and madly googling information that I was too scared to look up myself.

The first time I went over to his house with said friend he looked me right in eye and asked, "are you happy?"

To my dismay I couldn't answer that question. I had no idea if I was happy. I hadn't thought in those terms in so long. So I thought about it. And I thought about it. And the answer was no. I went back to Prom Date's house and I really talked to him. I talked about why I wasn't happy and he reminded me it was ok to tell the person you were with what you needed. He reminded me what it felt like to stand up for myself and he reminded me that sometimes we all needed to be a little selfish.

So he needs a new name. This has been a long time coming, but I was waiting until everything was all said and done.

A new name for Prom Date... how about BiFF? Because he will always always always be my best friend. Always.

<3

Explanations

I have been gone for a while.

Complete radio silence.

I return with a new (old) last name a new lease on life.

I think subconsciously I was waiting to write this entry. There was so much I couldn't say for fear of offending the wrong person and causing the process to grow and lengthen. I wanted out as soon as possible and worked to make it as quick, cheap, and easy as possible.

When I walked out the door I didn't think it was goodbye. I thought there would be more talk and fighting. I thought there would be a last ditch effort at reconciliation that I would have to decline because quite frankly it was broken beyond repair.

I was completely wrong.

There was nothing and so all of the things I thought I would get to say to him have come out in bits and pieces and fallen on ears that did not need to hear them. Still they listened. They listened while I realized things that everyone else already knew. They listened while I cried over the loss of a life that wasn't wonderful to begin with. And they listened while I went through the process of regaining my self worth and remembering I am someone worth love and happiness. I am someone capable who can accomplish anything. And they encouraged and smiled and laughed and sometimes cried right along with me.

And I realized that this had all been available to me the whole time, but I had felt the need to put on this face. My everything is fine face. Well, everything wasn't fine. You hurt me and made me feel less and then made me feel like it was my fault. You made me feel guilty for getting sick and for not working hard enough and you made me feel like I was not enough every single day. And I became helpless as a reaction to you. Yes, it was my choice, but I wanted to force you to care. I wanted to force you to do what you had promised. It was sick, and twisted, and codependent and it is over. Thank god it is over.

And now I remember who I am.

I didn't take anyone with me when I got divorced. Not because I couldn't find anyone but because I didn't NEED anyone. I am strong enough to get it done on my own. I can stand on my own two feet. I can take care of me. I don't NEED anyone. I want people. There are people who I would walk over hot coals for if it meant keeping them in my life, but if they make the choice to walk away I don't feel like I will blow away because now I have roots. And they come from me.

I am a bad ass.

The best part? I did it my own damn self. : )

Ichy Nose

Everyone in my house has the same cold.

All of us are crabby.

You may want to stay away for a little while.

Summer is almost over. I am relieved. I will be happy to start getting regular paychecks again. I will be happy to have a routine again. I will also be happy to hang out with Mrs. Rocketship everyday. I will be happy to get out of the house for a solid 8 hours. I will be happy to be a productive member of society again.

I think I needed this time though. I needed a few months to decompress from the years of two jobs and constant financial stress. I needed to worry about just me for a few months and pretend to be a lady who lunches.

Next school year not so much. I already have school, babysitting, and work with the parks and rec lined up. So hopefully I will be able to stock a lot away to help get my new life underway in style. : )

Fishues

I haven't updated about the fish lately.

They are ok.

We had a bit of an ammonia problem so our fish turned black. They are slowly turning gold again. Poor fish.

I have been dizzy for the past two days. Vertigo. A common problem among those with IIH. We checked my blood pressure and that's fine so I am guessing it is a head pressure thing that is disrupting the fluid balance in my ears.

Bleck.

I am considering cutting off my head. Prom Date said no. Party pooper.

Crabs

I am ready for summer to be over.

I am sick of not having a routine. I am sick of not knowing what I am getting myself into most days. I am sick of not being the expert on my kiddos. I am sick of not knowing what day it is.

Mrs. Rocketship, I NEED calendar.

Getting back to the Stinks feels like coming home. I know what to say to her, I know how to motivate her. And even on her worst days I know exactly what to expect.

I am petrified to see what next year brings. Life after the Stinks is daunting.

But it will be the same students, the same routine, the same coworkers, and the same tasks.

And I will still have the Stinks. Three days a week. At least 5 and a half hours a week. I might sneak her in my purse and carry around school with me. Just so she can say something funny when I am having a crap day.

Brave

Sometimes even the things you want more than anything are scary.

Petitions.

Filing.

Dissolution.

Cutting apart what you thought held you together for a long time.

But it didn't. It didn't hold you together. You are the glue that holds you together. It's always nice to have someone to lean on. It's always nice to have that support, but you are the one who gets out of bed every day and puts one foot in front of the other.

No one else can do that for you.

And the future is so bright. Anything is possible. Absolutely anything.

Swim with the Fishies

I think my nose is sunburned.

I got to cross two things off of my list this weekend. One is none of your business, the other one was driving a boat.

We went to Prom Date's parent's house on the Mississippi where we swam until I was completely pruney from head to toe.

This is my idea of heaven.

I have also managed to find four free books for my kindle that look interesting.

Also my idea of heaven.

<3

Life, it's pretty grand.

Headaches

Shhhh, Prom Date is sleeping.

This whole working nights business is stupid. Like, really stupid.

Last night we went to a rib fest in our little town. It was fun. And Prom Date's mom asked how I was feeling as I had been having pretty consistent but super mild headaches for the past few days. I replied that I was better, but it lead to a discussion about how I know what kind of headache it is.

This is an interesting question and one I have discussed with Dr. Awesome at length. We have worked out a system. I ask myself four questions...

1. Have I eaten today?
2. Have I had enough water today?
3. Have I had caffeine today?
4. Did I sleep last night?

If any of those things need to be fixed I try to remedy the situation. If they don't need to be fixed or the fix doesn't work I take three or four Motrin, depending on the headache. If THAT doesn't work then it is safe to assume it is a pressure headache.

A pressure headache WILL NOT go away unless you reduce the pressure. And so, that's how I know. : )

Life Happens

Today I was at the store. I saw a gen. ed. teacher I worked with my first year out of college. She was with her husband, adorable little baby, and special needs son. Now I didn't even know this woman well enough to say hello, but it got me thinking.

Life happens.

All of your best laid plans can be disrupted in a minute. And all you can do is to deal with it.

No one asks for an IIH diagnosis.

But you can deal with it. I promise.

Don't let the forums scare you. Don't let the side effects scare you. Don't let the threat of surgery scare you. Just live your life the best you can.

Rawr

I have had a headache for like four days.

Nothing major, just a slight neck ache and headache in my forehead.

Just enough to be annoying, but not enough to stop anything. Just enough to make me throw a slight fit in the kitchen and then quietly do the dishes (I can do those Sweetie).

Sometimes I eat fries just for the condiments.

TJizzle just saved me from the world's largest spider. He is quite handy.

Today Prom Date fixed the fan. He is also quite handy.

I am lucky to live with two such handy young gentlemen.

Holy shit, I might be tired. I better take advantage of this while I can!

Independence

Yesterday was the 4th of July.

That is a day to celebrate independence.

Yesterday felt weird. It was the first day in what I am sure will be a string of building new traditions. Which, although liberating, is strange. And the 4th was always a big deal. The biggest deal of all of the holidays. And I have a confession.

I HATE the 4th of July.

I think the parade is boring and the fireworks stink.

There, that is MY declaration of independence.

But yesterday was ok. Too hot to really do anything so it was quiet and involved a nice long nap and sadly a terrible headache. The first really terrible headache. Which I have been nervous about. I should have known better. I was tucked on the couch and told not to move. I was kissed on the forehead and asked if anything could be done. I was told that being taken care of was his most important job. : ) I nearly cried.

And I got to thinking. About IIH and the role it played in the demise. I started to picture myself reading this blog and panicking as I wondered if that would be me and MY marriage and so I have decided to delve into it just a little bit. Just enough to let potential caregivers of someone with IIH know what it is like and what I want when I feel like crap.

IIH is frustrating for everyone. When you love someone and they are in pain your first response is to fix. Pills, ice, band-aids; anything to make it better. That is impossible with IIH. The thing you have to remember is that you can't feel their pain. And therefore you can't judge it. That was one of the mistakes that was made. It was by far not the worst mistake or the only mistake. It was not the one that sealed the deal or made up minds. It was something in a long lists of mistakes. It was by far not the deal breaker, but it did break me just a little bit more.

To have your life change and then to be made to feel over dramatic and useless when dealing with that change.

So my advise to all caregivers. Just be there. When pain hits just be there. I don't know how your sufferer reacts but I do know what I do, I hide. I slink off into another room and try and pretend that everything is ok. I rub my head and sigh until someone walks into the room and then I straighten like a kid who's hand was caught in the cookie jar.

Catch them. Sit them down. Kiss their forehead. Tell them to stop. Ask them what they need. Give it to them. Listen. Believe. Love. And if they need to pretend that they are fine and keep slogging through, let them. But be ready for the fall.

Just be perfect, like Prom Date. Maybe I will have him teach a class.

Bug

This is Bug.

Bug is the newest member of the family.

I love Bug.

So I was thinking about IIH today. I was thinking about who it typically effects. And I was thinking about how it typically affects women in their 20's.

I am a woman in my 20's.

And I can say that my 20's have been an interesting time. I think a lot happens in your 20's. I think many major life events happen. It makes me wonder about stress and IIH. It makes me wonder what role stress and anxiety plays in the development of IIH.

It makes me wish that people would actually research this condition.

Cookies

Today I baked.

Things I like...

1. Having a kitchen.

This is the thing I like. I have cooked more in the last month than I have in the last three years combined. I am pretty much enamored with everything about this new life I am carving out.

Dinner was a hit. : )

I also occasionally feel like my life is an episode of New Girl. Only with a lot more turkeys and hugs.

I also like this.

I might be deliriously happy. Maybe. Probably. I am.

Loss

Well. We have lost one of our fishie family.

He passed quietly in the bowl surrounded by those he loved.

He will be missed.

We didn't flush him but instead gave him a burial (I use the term burial loosely, it was more of a toss) in the backyard. The neighbor boy almost stepped on him when I was taking him out back for a swing in the hammock. Poor Wobbly (that's the fish, not the neighbor boy).

I will wear my black arm band for the required mourning period. Does anyone know what the required mourning period is for a fish?

Prom Date's parents are coming over for dinner tonight. I had the bright idea to make lasagna on the hottest day of the summer. Don't judge. So today will be a cooking and cleaning day. I made the sauce and my cake yesterday which means I just have to throw together rolls and the lasagna. Easy peasy lemon squeesy.

Speaking of the Prom Date's rents they got me the cutest apron from a car show this weekend. It is a cupcake apron and they got me a matching petticoat to make it poof. So flipping adorable. And funny, because I totally had an apron almost exactly like it on my Amazon wishlist.

I guess I better get going. Someone left the kitchen a mess yesterday. I wonder who that could be.

Trust

I have been dealing a lot with trust lately.

I come with baggage. Lots of baggage. Sometimes it feels like I am dragging a U-Haul behind me. A little bit of my baggage is past relationship related. That's three or four boxes. Most of my baggage is IIH related.

By nature IIH can be a lot to take in. I look perfectly healthy. Most days I can do all of the things I could do before. I am stubborn so mostly I refuse to let it stop me. But there are times when it does stop me. There are things I can't do.

The children question.

I can have children, but they might have IIH. I can have children, but I might have to have spinal taps each week because they don't know if my meds are safe to take until 20 weeks. I can have children, but I don't know that I will be able to SEE them.

The fact that the acetazolamide could stop working and I might need a shunt. The fact that the shunt might not work and then I won't work.

Is that fair to saddle someone with?

Most of the time I feel like the answer to that question is no. But luckily it's not my choice. I don't get to decide what someone else can live with.

And that's where trust comes in. Which is slightly scary for me. But I am getting ok with it.

And just a bonus... Prom Date on prom.

: )

Responsibility

Oooooh, what to say.

Yesterday Prom Date and I went to an auction. He decided I was responsible for organizing him. I was ok with this as I am an excellent organizer. Not only did I keep a log of the pertinent events that occurred at the auction, BUT I also made sure we didn't leave anything behind.

I was very important.

But now I have decided this organization needs to extend even beyond the auction and into the selling of the items he purchased. So this morning I made him a spreadsheet. And not just any only spreadsheet but one with FORMULAS that can be accessed from our phones.

I feel very smart.

The best part of all of this? On Friday he totally tried to convince me that he didn't need anyone to be responsible for him. Pssshhhh. Silly Prom Date. Good thing for him I am not a very good listener.

Fishie Family!

There is something I need to address here in this blog.

This is a serious topic that is close to my heart and has caused me a ton of pain over the past few months.

Rotting Roy.

The dissolution of my marriage has sadly brought about the end in the chronicles of the dissolution of Roy.

I am sorry Roy. I have failed you.

But never fear! There are new heroes on the horizon! Small, gold, and alive...

THE FISH FAMILY!

There is a TJizzle fish, a Prom Date fish, and a Me fish. They live in a spigot jar and stare at me when I eat breakfast.

Prom Date won them for me at the fair. I got my choice of anything I wanted. Large stuffed animals, glowing Mohawks, the kind carnie from the ring toss game. And of course I chose the the game with the living things that required equiptment and care.

But, because he is pretty much the best person on the planet, he won me some fish and then took me to the store where we spent at least an hour getting the PERFECT fish set up. He also didn't complain too much when pink rocks got all over the kitchen and we had to stay up past midnight to allow our fishie family a chance to get acclimated.

Did I mention yet that he is pretty much the best ever?

Moments

For some reason I feel the need to hold on to certain moments lately. I feel like I have to tuck them away somewhere or they will be gone forever.

Promises whispered in the dark.
An arm around me in the kitchen.
Flowers on a car seat.
Eyes constantly scanning the crowd for me.
Every single ambush.
Super cold cups.
The smell of metal on hands.

I have this feeling of sand slipping through my fingers. I worry that one day I will look down and it will all be gone.

Sometimes you have to walk uphill and it is no fault of your own. Sometimes when you're used to vacant eyes and empty promises the real thing seems like a mirage. Sometimes you get too caught up waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes you need to make up for someone else's breach of trust.

That is not fair.

But thank you.

Hope

This is my chest.

This is where I will put my hopes.

Or bright orange snow pants. I might put those in there too. The winter clothes will smell wonderful.

Prom Date bought it for me. He is quite the guy.

Or I could store a dead body in there.

Oh God. We are teetering on a fashion emergency. TJizzle is trying to leave the house in plaid on plaid.

I cannot allow this to happen.

This is almost as bad as jean on jean.

I have saved him from this terrible fate.

He has selected a solid blue shirt. This is by far the better option and now he can pick up hot nurses.

I need to go back to work. I am about to go crazy with boredom. The house is clean. The laundry is done. The fridge is cleaned out. I might even... GASP... clean the floors. I do need to make up some sugar cookie dough but that would require me to wash the dishes I pulled out of the fridge and I don't know that I am that motivated yet. They aren't due until babysitting tomorrow morning so my natural urge to procrastinate is taking over.

I start sitting again tomorrow for the Stinks and then I have my first camp on Monday. Then I will feel better.

I was thinking last night about the fatigue when I was first diagnosed. I would take my pill at 7 am on the dot and by lunch at 12:30 I was falling asleep in my car. I would have to push through the rest of the day and then I would get home and pass out on the couch where I would pretty much sleep until the morning. Just getting up when my alarm went off to take my pill at 7 pm. I would say in general I am more tired than I was before diagnosis, but I am so glad that this particular side effect has pretty much cleared up.

When we were in Baltimore and then again when I was helping Prom Date and his family out this weekend I did notice that I wear out more quickly. That is frustrating. I noticed in Baltimore that a day of walking was way harder on me than it had been the year before. I hate that. Luckily I am stubborn enough not to let it stop me.

But wait... There's MORE!

I saw the neurologist yesterday.

Dr. Awesome was awesome, as always.

We chatted a bit. I had to push and pull him. He did not tickle my feet. He peeked at my eyes. Asked me about headaches and then told me he didn't need to see me for 5 more months. After he had coaxed me out of the corner and calmed my weeping he explained that while he WANTED to see me everyday there really was no medical reason. So then I began to fake double vision. He did not buy it.

So yeah. I think I am officially managed.

This is awesome.

Homeostasis

I am happy.

I feel like I have nothing to blog about anymore.

I have a comfortable place to live, a reliable car, good friends, and hardly any headaches.

So I am sorry if updates begin to be slightly farther apart. Just assume that everything is fine. Just assume that I am in the kitchen cooking or snuggled on the couch reading. Just assume that I am ok and healthy and happy and most importantly taking care of myself.

Just assume that I am wonderful.

Eyeballs

I know I said I was going the the eye doctor weeks ago, but I lied.

I went to the eye doctor but the appointment had been made with the wrong person so I had to reschedule. Today was the day I rescheduled for.

Dr. Straightman is pretty awesome. He is super nice and I think interested in me. I am rare you see. So he did the whole standard exam and my corrected vision is still 20/20. This is very good as it means the swelling that I had did not cause me to lose vision.

Then he looked at my optic nerves. I have such big eyes that they don't even have to dilate me. There is NO SWELLING in either nerve. This is awesome. The headaches are manageable and there is no swelling which means that even though my pressure is slightly high I can stay on my current dose of acetazolamide.

The only negative was that he saw some permanent damage to my left optic nerve. I guess something about the color indicated there was slight damage from how swollen it was the first time. He said that it probably would hardly be noticeable.

So all in all a great appointment.

Happy Saturday! Or as I like to call it, nap day.

I am a REAL person!

I got a car!

It is white.

It is a Ford.

It is Taurusey.

It will fit children I am babysitting over the summer. It will also get me to and from work with seemingly no problems. It makes me feel like this...

Last night I ran to the store! I bought yogurt. It was exciting.

I am listening to the girliest music right now. I also painted my toenails hot pink last night. I believe I am reverting back to being about 16. Maybe it has something to do with living with my parents.

Happy Thursday! : )

Few and Far Between

Sometimes you like songs because you hope someone else will identify with them.

My updates have been so few and far between because I have been doing so well! So few headaches.

Thursday night I didn't make it to the pharmacy in time and I was completely and totally out of acetazolamide. This meant that I missed my dose of acetazolamide at night and then the pharmacy doesn't open until 9 so I was going to miss it in the morning as well. : / not good. The last time I missed acetazolamide was when I was first diagnosed. There were allergy issues and so we had to wait to hear from the doctor to make sure everything was ok. I ended up in the hospital.

Things were even more complicated because I still don't have a car. So it wasn't like I could sneak out and pick up my prescription at the pharmacy by school. Plus my mom was out of town for the week. So she couldn't even help me out. It had the potential to be very very bad.

Then Prom Date stepped in.

"So do you need to me to get your prescription when the pharmacy opens tomorrow?" nod.
"Do you need me to bring it to school?" nod.
"Are you going to be ok until then?" shrug.

He has been wonderful this week. Not only carting me back and forth to school but also trying to help me find a car. Both he and TJizzle have gone a long way to helping me start rebuilding my confidence that has been kind of shattered.

Things tend to get messed up in your mind even if you are the one who walks away.

But now I have not one but two leads on cars and an interview for a summer job on Tuesday. I am pretty excited about it.

Happy Summer Saturday!

Reminders

Sometimes decisions really make sense.

Things totally happen that remind you of all of the reasons why you did something in the first place.

It is depressing and life affirming all at the same time.

I have had a sore neck today. Stupid sore neck. I don't like it.

Today I drew a chalk picture. It was Piggie. She is cute.

Pro Bowler

Last night I went bowling.

Totally got tapped to go pro.

Today all I feel like doing is eating. NOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM. I think I am going to make my FAVORITE red potatoes tonight and I am not going to share.

Lasagna was a hit last night.

I had a really bad head day yesterday. This was my first one in a little while and I did not like it at all. I was out in the heat most of the day so that may have had something to do with it, but I was inside where it was cool and it hurt then too so it might just have been a bad day. I had just forgotten what that feels like.

I saw lots of wildlife yesterday. I saw a toad AND a cat. I tried to befriend both. It did not work.

The Stinker's birthday party is today!

: )

TODAY I am making lasagna.

The sauce is made.

My hands smell like onions and garlic and whenever I touch my face I get hungry.

I totally spaced on my pill last night. Then I slept until like 10. So I kind of feel a little gross. But that's ok. It'll go away when the pill starts to kick in. Right?

Lasagna

I am making lasagna for the boys.

I owe them a lot.

Mainly my second chance.

I will be making lasagna on Saturday but everyone knows that you have to make the sauce ahead of time for optimum flavor awesomeness. So I will hopefully be doing that today.

Have I mentioned that adult decisions are hard?

Things with Wheels

I need a car.

Badly.

It needs to be cheap.

I felt kind of crappy yesterday. Knot in my neck and a slight headache.

I opened a bank account yesterday. I also took my name off of the car insurance policy. There are a million little things that you have to do. It is hard to keep them all straight. I am staying in tonight and getting organized and figuring everything out.

The paper will be delivered tomorrow. I will find a car and a place to live.

I am determined.

Poor Prom Date and Mom aren't going to have to cart me around anymore.

Confessions

I love Kesha.

Like a lot.

I'm sorry TJizzle, I know this was a secret that I shared just with you, but I had to confess it to the world.

Anyone who can manage to work the word mangina into a song deserves my love and respect.

I had a rough afternoon yesterday. Tingly face and I was stupid. These days are frustrating because I can't perform basic tasks. Things like writing on the board for the kids become an insurmountable task because I can't remember how to spell basic words.

Frustrating.

At least I had apple pie and a huge chunk of cheese for breakfast!

Wake Up

I keep getting this feeling that this is all a dream and I am going to wake up.

I wouldn't change a thing.

I have lost weight. Maybe 10 pounds? So I don't know if that has something to do with how great I feel lately. Apparently the bigger thing is a restriction in sodium and a reduction in fluid intake, which is interesting since I am on a diuretic. I don't know. All I know is that I feel so much better.

I got my hairs cut. Wanna see? I'm pretty.

Fun night last night. I hung out with a super old friend from high school. I think I'm going to name him the Vampire. I got completely smashed on two screwdrivers. I got home an hour later than expected and my mom had called the police. I am not even kidding.

I need to move out of here.

Move over TJizzle, I'm hopping in!

Change

A week ago today I moved out of my house.

I am not going to air my relationship dirty laundry here, but I am not going back.

Since leaving I have not had a headache.

I have people to thank. Prom Date, TJizzle, Mom, Step-Dad, Mrs. Rocketship, the Doosh. <3

Happy Mother's Day.

Let's Review

Today I have an eye doctor appointment.

Now.

This is making me nervous for a myriad of reasons, but mostly because he might tell me I am going blind. Do you remember your lessons from previous posts friends? Because you shooooould.

He is going to take a fundus picture of my optic disc which will tell him if the papilledema (swelling of the optic nerve) has gone down.

I am hopeful. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

<3

Growing up

I don't buy any of that new age crap. I typically don't go in for inspirational sayings. I think when shit gets tough either you suck it up and change something about it or you stop complaining.

I have always picked my friends with pretty much one things in mind, do we laugh? If the answer is yes then for sure we can be friends. If the answer is no then we prolly aren't going to get along. I know, I'm not very picky. I can take a lot of shit. I can be pretty much whatever you need me to be, as long as you make me laugh.

But something about that has changed. I don't know if it's the diagnosis or simply a result of getting older, but I have found myself craving relationships that are far more real than that. Friends that will not only talk but listen. Friends who will offer advice and assistance when needed and sometimes just listen to me bitch about what happened that day.

It's required changes on my part. I have had to learn to trust people. I have had to tell people what is really going on and not just the rosy picture that I like to paint in my head. And in return I want friends who will do the same with me. Friends who will trust me with things they keep a secret from other people.

And I feel better. About my life and the scary unknown. I feel like I can face it because it's not just me and Hubs against the world. There are others who will hold my hand and help keep me going.

And there are still those people who I just laugh with. Because they are fine too. There is nothing wrong with that. But I am no longer scared that the people who have stuck around are going to run because I share something real with them because if that happens it is their problem not mine.

: )

If you don't have anything nice to say...

don't say anything at all.

I will be back when my attitude is better.

<3

Disappointment

Today we learned a hard lesson about disappointment.

Our zoo field trip was cancelled.

It was a depressing day.

Still, it was a good lesson because sometimes in life things do not go as planned. And on those days we have to buck up and continue with business as usual. There may have been a few complaints. And I may have been tempted to throw a kicking screaming fit on the floor. But none of those things happened.

Instead I got to write a paragraph about Justin Bieber with a rather adorable 7 year old.

And I got to eat lunch with a room full of scrubby boys while we watched a panda munch on bamboo.

And I got to swing on the swings during extra recess.

And then the Hubs bought me a new hammock.

So really, it was a pretty good day.

Last Night

Terrible night.

I had to take two Benedryls so the sleep inducing powers would over take my headache so I could sleep. It was a couch night for sure. I basically sat straight up and it still felt like there were nails being driven into my forehead.

Stupid weather.

Stupid IIH.

Stupid.

Carry On.

This is my new favorite song.

I heard it last night.

It was like... fate... or something.

This is the acoustic version. Which makes me smile even more.

<3

I'm so Neeeeeeervous

I have suffered from anxiety for as long as I can remember.

It was pretty obvious.

Still I didn't seek help for it until last year. I woke up from a kidney stone procedure and due to some drugs was calm. My heart wasn't racing. My mind was quiet. I looked at Hubs and said, "is this what it's like for you?" When he said yes I knew it was time to talk to my PCP. The doctor prescribed Lexapro for me and it worked wonders. I was able to face things head on again. I didn't have to look at things from the corner of my eye. My brain no longer invented things to worry about. It was glorious.

Then I was diagnosed with IIH.

Things got worse again on the anxiety front. I chalked it up to the extra stress and went on my way assuming that things would be better when I started to get used to this diagnosis. It has been getting worse. Not all of the time. It will hit me out of left field and suddenly I will be freaking out about something. It is unpleasant and causes me to do and say things that are completely out of character. Even as I am doing and saying them I am embarrassed and ashamed because this is not like me. But it is like it is out of my control.

Tonight was especially bad.

So I googled it. And the results were astonishing. On the message boards it seems like everyone is talking about how they feel the exact same way. There are numerous studies with IIH patients presenting with psychiatric complaints. They surmise that it might be an effect of the increased pressure on our brains.

And now I just want to cry because not only am I not alone but I don't think I am crazy.

And again I am left wondering, how long has this been going on? How long has my pressure been high? How long has this been screwing with my brain? And they say that IIH probably doesn't cause these symptom simply makes them present more strongly. But maybe I would have been functional without meds if I didn't have IIH.

And does any of this really matter? Or does it just give me another reason to be angry? Another reason to hate this condition and the lack of research and the lack of attention and the lack of support and the lack of everything. I don't know.

Dreams

So Prom Date made me watch this terrible movie last night about infectious diseases. Contagion. It was supposed to be filmed here in town but they pulled out. Apparently he ended up working on one of the sets though so it resulted in me sitting through 146 minutes of the most boring shit I have ever seen.

Still, it resulted in these weird dreams about sick people, zombies, and the apocalypse. It also resulted in my getting like 6 hours of very interrupted sleep which I am not ok with.

I'm the kind of girl who needs a good 9 hours.

This is going to be a good weekend. Hubs and I have duties today that can't really be discussed in public because they are technically against the rules (we'll just say it might involve a small girl with a bow) and then tomorrow we are going to the drive in to see The Hunger Games with Cats and Spicy Ramen. I am super excited. I LOVE the drive in and I haven't been there since I was a kid. I will wear my PJ's just in case I fall asleep.

I do have to get to those trainings I need to finish though. Maybe tomorrow afternoon.

IIH can kiss my ass.

Bummer Tummer

I kind of have a tummy ache. I think it is from the Hubs. Thanks Hubs.

I had a pretty awesome day. It was an early dismissal so the Hubs and I drove out to get my birth certificate as I needed a copy. We went to the wrong courthouse but ended up eating lunch at this terrible little diner. While disgusting for the most part they had the best fries. If you know me at all you know that french fries are my favorite food.

Only at this particular restaurant they did not call them french fries. Oh no. They were called...

Freedom Fries.

I had a tingly face all afternoon. I actually took a nap so I didn't have to feel the tingling anymore. It was my temples and around my eyes. My lower eyelids. Down into my cheeks. Kind of terrible. OK, super terrible.

There are a lot of things that I hate about IIH but the tingly face is the worst. It is impossible to ignore because it tickles and it kind of makes me want to cry. I was laying out in my hammock snuggled up in my favorite blanket with the sun on my face and I was totally distracted by the pins and needles around my eyelids.

Stupid acetazolamide.

Then I google it of course just to see if it is normal and I find that yeah, it is. I also find that some people feel it when their shunts malfunction. And then I remember how lucky I am.

Mardy Bum

Yesterday I was unpleasant.

I was not nice to my husband.

This song happened to come on my Pandora and while not only awesome it also served as an excellent apology for the time I yelled at my husband for being sick.

So next time someone is being unpleasant for no reason at all you should call them a Mardy Bum. According to Urban Dictionary that is someone who complains a lot.

I am a total mardy bum.

Genius

I have the best job in the world.

Today one of the kids was wearing a sweatshirt that had a missing the zipper pull. We shall call this particular young man Dimples. He was stuck in his sweatshirt so I put a paperclip on there so he could get in and out. You would have thought that I split the atom.

I felt pretty awesome about myself.

I forgot to take my pill today.

Never again. I think I have to get a pill case and put one of each in there to keep in my purse just in case. I assume I will have to rotate stock every once in a while.

How long does it take for medicine to go bad?

This week there are only two things I am annoyed about. I think this is pretty excellent.

Happy Tuesday!

Untitled

I am failing at this blog post.

I can't seem to get the right tone.

I can't think of the right title.

I am just at a loss as to what I want to say or really how I feel at this moment in time.

Physically I am fine. Slight neck ache. Slight headache. Slight cramps. Nothing debilitating.

Emotionally.

It was an interesting few days.

There are people in your life who make you feel like you're wrapped in a warm blanket.

There are people in your life who don't.

I want to spend my time with the people who make me feel like I am in the warm blanket.

Sweet Relief

I finally feel like a normal person again.

Well, not like I did before. Never like I did before.

But normaler.

I think I will take this moment of okness to talk about something that I have been putting off for far to long. I promised you this long ago and then life happened and he got shoved aside. He is so patient and good that he did not complain but simply waited patiently for his moment in the spotlight...

Roy.

Roy is doing really well. One side of him is a little smooshed because the dogs step on him accidentally when they walk up the stairs. This is interesting as they never used to which I believe means that he has expanded somewhat.

I hope this means he is thinking about exploding.

I am pretty sure that Roy exploding would make my life complete.

I have no problems

I have 6 or 8 problems at the moment. Most of them are pain related.

I am considering driving off a bridge but Hubs has told me that I need to wait at least three days. He says at that point we can reevaluate. I am becoming convinced that he will never see things my way. If I became a quadriplegic then I couldn't feel pain right?

And that was an absolutely terrible thing to say.

Horrible.

Sometimes I think awful things. I think what many people fail to understand is the nature of this condition. They fail to realize that this is a never ending cycle. When I am in pain there is nothing I can do. I just have to push through it and continue on with my life because the other option, sitting at home moaning, isn't really feasible for me. So I plaster on a smile and take care of the kids and pretend like it doesn't feel like there is a burning steel rod shoved into my neck.

This weekend I have really nothing to do, which is nice. I can catch up on some training stuff I have put off for basically the whole school year and wallow in my misery. Completely healthy. The Doosh will be in town which will be uplifting I am sure. He will give me really motivating advice...

"Stop being a little bitch."

"Rub some dirt on it and walk it off."

"No one cares."

Thanks Doosh. I love you too.

Blood Pressure

So I saw my PCP the other day.

He is super nice.

He is the reason that I was diagnosed so quickly and also the reason, in a round about way, that I ended up with Dr. Awesome. He needs a name but I do not have the mental capacity to think of one right now. So that will have to wait.

But anyway, he took my blood pressure and it was slightly elevated which it typically is in his office. So we got to talking about it.

Turns out, IIH can cause elevated blood pressure.

He said that the brain needs blood and increased ICP makes it harder for the brain to get blood. That means your body has to work harder causing high blood pressure. He said it is something we would have to monitor but because of my strong family history I most likely just have high blood pressure.

Still, it's interesting.

Silly IIH

There are times when IIH can be silly.

Today I was coming in from recess and I had a ton of floaters. One was different than all of the rest though. It was perfectly round and somewhat gray and it seemed to stay in the same exact spot no matter where I pointed my eye. I was freaking out about it slightly and determined that I might need to call my husband and Dr. Awesome. I was convinced I would be leaving work early to head into the hospital for another tap.

Luckily I had the presence of mind to remove my glasses and hold them up to the light before I took any drastic steps. Why was this lucky? Because there was a smudge on my glasses that mimicked a blind spot. Wouldn't I have looked stupid?

Benedryl.

huh?

Although it might not help my cold a ton I certainly don't care as much at the moment.

Today there is nothing profound. There is nothing insightful. There is just a lot of snot and coughing.

Tomorrow I will talk about blood pressure. Maybe.

Boogers.

I have a terrible cold.

It is terrible.

I am terrible.

I took a Benedryl and am sleepy but still coughing so I don't think I can sleep in bed because then everything will drain and I will not be able to fall asleep because I will be coughing and it will be terrible.

I think I should take a shower.

Then I could sleep a little later tomorrow.

Cold

Gah.

I have developed a cold. It seems to be residing in my throat so my voice is slightly gravely. I should maybe think about recording my blues album this week.

The sinus headache that accompanies it is not especially enjoyable either.

Someday soon I will catch a break.

The Wait is Over

So the wait is over.

I was not offered the position.

And while I keep telling myself that is ok there is a part of me that is totally not ok with any of this.

I just don't understand how much bad news a girl can be expected to take before she flips the hell out. I found out the answer last night. Three major pieces of bad news in 4 and a half months. That is how much it takes before a girl flips the hell out.

I flipped out.

I never flip out.

Ok, that is a lie. I freak out all the time. But I freak out in private. Typically in my car. Typically because I am jealous of people who can relieve their pain with a pill. Typically because I miss my life before when I felt like a normal girl.

Last night was not in private.


And I try to put a happy face on it because no one likes a cry baby. I don't like a cry baby. I like to make fun of my problems because then they are not so big and scary. It's like imagining a spider wearing polka dot boxers and a clown wig. As soon as you can laugh at it it's not so scary anymore.

So yeah. I thought I was fine because I was laughing. And I am fineish. And I will be finer.

Good things in my life...
The puppies who are snoring next to me.
The husband who loves me
The mom who feeds me
The friends who take care of me
The doctors who are knowledgeable about me
The Stinker and all of the other kids who I already make a difference for every day

Maybe my mom was right. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. Maybe I am not done here. Who knows.

Strawberry Smoothie

Today.

I have been so tired lately. Yesterday I slept for two hours and then went to bed at 11 and slept through the whole night. I would have done the same tonight but I went out for smoothies instead (thanks Prom Date).

I have nothing exciting to report. Just playing the waiting game.

Waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

Home.

I take a medicine for blood pressure.

My blood pressure has been waaaay lower since my IIH has been gotten under control somewhat and I am convinced that my elevated ICP had something to do with it. Surprise surprise, there have been no studies.

Even so, I plan on taking this blood pressure medicine until I die.

It lowers the heart rate as well, which calms me down. If I could take a medicine that kept my heart rate at like 30 I would. The day that must not be spoken of I got a stern reminder of what it was like before I started taking my anxiety medicine and my blood pressure medicine. It was not good. My heart was racing, there were butterflies in my stomach, there was a lack of focus on the world but a hyper focus on my problems, and there may have been a panic attack.

It was unpleasant.

Things are better.

I worry though (obviously). I worry about not being hired by TFA and then I worry about being hired by TFA. I have lived in this town my whole life. Everyone I see knows me. They know who I am and what I am about. If I say something outrageous they discount it because that is just how I am. If I do get hired by TFA I will have to start a whole new life and decide who I am.

And when I fall apart? There won't be anyone outside of my house to take me in and make me remember who I am and why I'm awesome.

Because I am awesome.

Sad Shirt

Today I was told that my shirt was not cute.

"Stinks, is my shirt cute?"

"No."

"Why not?!?"

"It is sad. You shouldn't live in it anymore."

Poor poor me and my poor poor shirt.

Falling apart

I hate crumbling.

Hate hate hate.

I hate falling apart.

I have these three huge problems and not a single one of them is in my control.

I really thought I was handling it.

I was completely wrong.

The Grind

Back to work today.

Cute kids, funny stories, lots of hugs.

A bike ride down to the pond. A family fishing.

Today was ok.

People with chronic neurological conditions are like 6 million times more likely to become depressed (NOT A REAL STATISTIC). I read that last night when I started to yell at the Hubs about taking care of me. I figured I should look up mood changes because I was having one.

So today I woke up and I made a choice.

It would be a good day.

Important fact... it is not technically illegal to have sex with a dead body in Illinois. They are trying to pass that law now so you may want to get on that.

I am a Girl.

I get girly when I feel shitty...

Deal with it.

I missed you

I am sorry. I have been unmotivated since my vacation.

Tomorrow is the first day back from spring break and so I have to get back to it.

I have had the shittiest head day ever in the world. I took a nap earlier, not because I was tired but just because I wanted to have my eyes closed. Sometimes when I have these days I think about the people who tell me that I always have a smile on my face and I want to go out and about because I do not always have a smile on my face.

Baltimore: Day 3

 Today I learned all about industry.

We went to the Baltimore Museum of Industry. It is probably the coolest museum I have ever been to. Baltimore was apparently an incredibly industrious city. They were the first in a tons of things.

 Look! More firsts!

 And still MORE firsts!

This is all. There are no more. Just these firsts. I mean, I am sure there are more things that I don't know about but this is all there was at the museum.

Over there is typeset from a printing press and over there is an electric car. I thought the car looked like a boat. It made me giggle.

And the Doosh. Being dooshy. Making sheet metal. Pretty sure you were not supposed to touch the exhibits, but I could be wrong.

This is Charlie!

Charlie AND Nacho

Otherwise we pretty much just hung out at the Doosh's. We played cards and walked the dogs.

The Doosh had to work at 8 so Mom and I walked down to the harbor. We found a place called Saladworks where we got to build our own salads! It was tasty and cool. This will be the last time I walk for about a year though.

My head felt great today. Besides being a little sleepy I felt better than I had all week long. So that was awesome. Of course we did less walking and less overeating today. That may have had something to do with it.

We are leaving for home tomorrow. I am excited to be getting back. I just wish I had brought a muffin up because I need something sweet after my salad.

Baltimore: Day 2

Today for breakfast I ate at Miss Shirley's. It was fabulous. To the left are white chocolate raspberry pancakes and to the right are some delicious hash browns with onions. I think I gained twenty pounds.

 After that we drove over to Fort McHenry. This was where Francis Scott Key wrote the Star Spangled Banner. It also saved Baltimore during the revolutionary war. It was pretty awesome and the grounds are beautiful. The only problem? I forgot my memory card in my camera so I could only take a few pictures.

We went to Fell's Point which is a neighborhood in Baltimore and I saw where Homicide was created! isn't that super cool?

We walked to Fell's Point. It was a pretty long walk and by the time we were trecking up the hill on the way back to the Doosh's the back of my neck felt like it had a metal rod stuck into it. I assume it was some type of exertional headache. That is one thing I have really noticed on this trip. I am so much slower than I used to be. I have less energy and I get bogged down by fatigue sooner.

So bottom line it was a relief to be back at the Doosh's hanging out with Charlie and Nacho. Mom even fell asleep.

But the crowning achievement of the day was none of these things. It wasn't even the delicious Greek food I had for dinner that I failed to take a picture of. It wasn't even when my neck ache went away and I started to feel human again.

It was Duckpin Bowling.

Doosh bowling

Tiny Dancer bowling

Duckpin bowling is much like regular bowling only the balls and pins are smaller and you get three turns a frame instead of two. It was probably the most fun thing we have done thus far. I would Duckpin bowl again in a heartbeat.

Mom bowling

Baltimore: Day 1

Hi, I'm a botanic garden!

I saw many things today.

I saw this awesome building.

Hi, I am a fuzzy thing!

And inside of this building were lots of plants, including these awesome and hilarious little fuzzy things.





And then we went to the Baltimore Museum of Art. I saw all sorts of wonderful and majestic pieces of art. There were paintings and furniture arranged in rooms. I saw all sorts of amazing and wonderful things. What made the largest impression on me was this...

Hi, I am having sex with a chicken.

This man sure loves his chicken.

Then I consumed this. This is one of the four pizzas that the Doosh's girlfriend, Tiny Dancer, made for us. They were all amazing. I feel like a huge fat slob though.

It was a great day.

Baltimore Baby

We made it!

We had originally planned on stopping with about three hours left, but then the Doosh got us a good deal at his hotel so we figured let's just go. And went we did.

The trip was great, except the last hour which was incredibly rainy. I thought that Mom might have a heart attack, but we got through it. Tomorrow we will move to the hotel where we will be staying throughout the trip, which is right by the harbor. I am excited.

I will keep you posted.

Good Day

Today was a pretty good day.

Did you know that they are doing all sorts of construction downtown? This means that my simple turn right onto Clark and then right onto Adams plan failed miserably. This resulted in my wandering around a three block radius like a mouse in a maze. I finally asked a security guard who told me the exact wrong thing and then I asked a second security guard who told me the exact right thing.

Success was had.

I cannot really talk about what exactly went on in the interview but I can say I think it went well.

I have blisters.

I am packed and ready for Baltimore. I am excited. Although sleeping over spring break sounds rather appealing right now. The headache might have something to do with that as well as a rather stressful day. I did get a nap in. So that is amazing. I think I am overdue for one of my 13 hour sleep days. I will not get that tomorrow.

I talked about IIH in my interview. I talked about how I will not let it stop me. I talked about how lucky I am to be responding to treatment and to have been diagnosed so quickly. I am lucky. I am very very lucky.

Early

It is early. I am printing number grids.

I leave for my interview in 40 minutes. I have to take the train into the city and then walk two blocks to the building where the interview will actually be.

This is making me nervous.

Then I will have a group interview where I will attempt to make a group of adults act like 7 year olds. After which I will have yet another section of said group interview where I try to stand out among this group of adults.

I am nervous about this.

Then I will hear information about the program.

This I am not so nervous about.

Then I will have to sign up for a block of time for a personal interview and potentially sit in the city for 5 hours. I don't know what order we get to pick our times, but I do know that I would like to go first so I can go home. I have much to do.

This I am also nervous about.

Maybe I should take an extra Lexipro today.

I am a bee

SHIT! I promised you Roy.

I don't have time to do Roy justice today. You will have to wait until tomorrow. I am updating quickly to tell you I am busy and then I am going to bake cookies.

This has been a slightly crazy week. The Statesman (this is going to be my brother in law's blog name) was running in the primary on Tuesday so we went to his victory party and were there the whole night. Last night I saw Dr. Awesome and didn't get home until later than expected. Then tonight I have to bake and watch the finale of Project Runway with my mom. Tomorrow is my interview with Teach for America and then Saturday we are leaving for Baltimore.

I also have to hang out with Wills tomorrow because I have not seen her since the dinosaurs walked the earth.

When will I get everything done?

Despite a balloon head on Tuesday I have been pretty lucky thus far. I just hope I don't feel like crap tomorrow. I might cry. I will just have to power through it though.

GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!

DOUBLE FUCK. This is my 100th post. I was going to do something special! I fail at blogging. I am so sorry.

<3

Dr. Who?

GOOD NEWS EVERYONE!
I am not growing horns.

Dr. Awesome!

I saw the good doctor today and we set a record. There was not a single face palm.

I think he has given up.

Bottom line, we aren't going to do anything. Well. I am going to do something. I am going to make an appointment with the ophthalmologist. As long as I am not losing my sight and my headaches aren't worse we are going to keep on keeping on.

This makes me happy.

I am going to make a second section with Dr. Awesome's answers. I wouldn't want to confuse him with questions. The poor man already has enough to deal with when it comes to me.

On another and equally important note I saw a goose poop yesterday. Like I actually saw the poop come out of it's butt. It was hilarious and I giggled at least three times thinking about it today. It really comes out as a white liquid. I don't know why that would be surprising to me, but it was. Also hilarious.

Tomorrow. Expect a Roy announcement. He looks great.

Energy.

Bad day.

Big head.

No energy.

Picture says it all.

The Other Shoe

Neck/headache all day. Achy eyes. Exhausted. Floaters. The norm.

I had a dream.

In this dream my vision was double. It was only in one eye and it was not only double but the one eye was sideways too. I was in PE with the Stinker and I keep asking the PE coaches to call my mom so she could take me to the hospital. They refuse and they keep finding these drops that they insisted would help. They wouldn't listen to me as I was trying to explain that I need a spinal tap.

Bizarre.

We had a thunderstorm today. Even though I felt kind of like poop it was still nice to see the first thunderstorm of the year. There was lightening AND thunder. It was exciting.

Three more work days until spring break! I leave for Baltimore in 4. I am excited.

Changes

We use different language now.

We used to say, when we have a baby. When we have a baby we will... I can't wait until we have a baby because... When we have a baby we should name it...

Maybe it is hormones (I am having a heinous period right now) but I have been thinking a lot about those phantom children. Lincoln who we would have called Linc and Virginia Ann who of course would have had red hair and freckles. She would have been Ginny for short. Ginny Ann. I used to say I was going to dye her hair because I demanded a red headed daughter.

We loved them even before they were conceived.

The other day Hubs said, I can't wait until I'm a father. What a subtle difference. I do not think we will ever have a BABY but that doesn't mean we will not have a child. Now when I picture being a parent I picture a child who is broken. A child who has had a life that they need to recover from. A child who will need so much love.

We have love in spades.

Today was a good day. I finished the third book in the Hunger Games series. They were all excellent. I recommend them. I also slogged through my emails. I completed my Teach for America things. I had floaters. I laid outside in the sun. I snuggled in bed with the dogs.

I have had a long string of good days. I am kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Break

Sometimes I need a break from life. I've been taking an email break for most of the week and then last night I took an internet break. I also took a cell phone break.

I did not take a Hunger Games break. I read that whole book yesterday. It was pretty good.

I have a long list of people who need something from me and have emailed me. I have not a lot of energy this week. So I am taking a break. Tomorrow I will have to address them in order of importance. Starting with Teach for America because I have a bunch of stuff due.

Good day today. Mom took me out to buy my interview outfit. It is cute. I even got a flower for my hair. I will take a picture the day of.

I have been having a lot of floaters lately. That is concerning.

I am going to go back to pretending life doesn't exist now. I will return tomorrow.

Humping

Wills is out of town. I am tending to her dog. I went over there last night and took the small and fuzzy beast for a walk.

Then I was humped relentlessly.

It was slightly off-putting.

I went over there tonight and it was the same drill only there was absolutely no humping. Now I am worried that I didn't look pretty.

Life Changes

When I was diagnosed I didn't know what it would mean. Since each person is different it means that other people's problems will not necessarily be yours.

What I did decide is that it wouldn't stop me.

So, still with pretty significant blind spots, I baked and decorated 8 dozen sugar cookies with little faces two days after being released from the hospital. To this day I am not sure how some of those little guys looked, but they were made and that was all I cared about.

I refuse to let this stop me and with that in mind I applied for Teach for America.

I haven't mentioned it yet because there really hasn't been anything to mention. I was invited for a phone interview which was rather exciting, but only the first step in the process. So I tried to temper my excitement. Today I found out that I was invited to the final interview. This is a slightly bigger deal. Still, 50% of applicants are invited to a final interview and only 11% are hired. Still, I think it is time to talk about it.

When I applied I waffled between two feelings, nervousness that I wouldn't even be called for a phone interview and then panic that I would be hired. And then I realized...

I would have to find a new neurologist.

That scares me more than anything. The thought of finding new doctors. Leaving my friends, sad. Leaving my family, sad. Leaving my coworkers, sad. None of these things are petrifying. What is petrifying is finding a doctor who knows what the hell he is doing when it comes to IIH.

I am not going to let it stop be though. If I am lucky enough to be hired we are going.

Bummer Summer

A public service announcement...

TODAY IS NOT FRIDAY.

Even though it is beautiful and you felt like doing nothing at work today and you spent a half an hour down by the pond watching some weirdo hopping up a hill it is not Friday. It is Tuesday. Tuesday. It is also a full work week. So get used to it.

Today. Oh today. It was gorgeous but I had a headache. On and off all day. Lots of floaters in the morning. Stupid. It seemed to go away in the afternoon but then it came back when I rode my bike. Exercise induced headaches. Have I told you about these?

Certain exercises, like schlepping your bike up a hill, tend to increase intracranial pressure. YES! The one benefit to this condition. An excuse not to exercise.

So when we were hanging out the other night Wills wanted me to address something in my blog. She said that she wasn't clear on how this whole thing started. She knew the history with the hospitalization but she was curious to know when the symptoms first started.

The answer is I don't know.

There are indicators that it may have been something I have had since high school. Or it may have been something that just started. We don't know. Idiopathic means without origin which means we don't know exactly when it started. We don't know why it started and we don't know how it started.

Have I mentioned you can donate? They also have a store. There is a really pretty bracelet.