Last Night

Terrible night.

I had to take two Benedryls so the sleep inducing powers would over take my headache so I could sleep. It was a couch night for sure. I basically sat straight up and it still felt like there were nails being driven into my forehead.

Stupid weather.

Stupid IIH.

Stupid.

I have no problems

I have 6 or 8 problems at the moment. Most of them are pain related.

I am considering driving off a bridge but Hubs has told me that I need to wait at least three days. He says at that point we can reevaluate. I am becoming convinced that he will never see things my way. If I became a quadriplegic then I couldn't feel pain right?

And that was an absolutely terrible thing to say.

Horrible.

Sometimes I think awful things. I think what many people fail to understand is the nature of this condition. They fail to realize that this is a never ending cycle. When I am in pain there is nothing I can do. I just have to push through it and continue on with my life because the other option, sitting at home moaning, isn't really feasible for me. So I plaster on a smile and take care of the kids and pretend like it doesn't feel like there is a burning steel rod shoved into my neck.

This weekend I have really nothing to do, which is nice. I can catch up on some training stuff I have put off for basically the whole school year and wallow in my misery. Completely healthy. The Doosh will be in town which will be uplifting I am sure. He will give me really motivating advice...

"Stop being a little bitch."

"Rub some dirt on it and walk it off."

"No one cares."

Thanks Doosh. I love you too.

Silly IIH

There are times when IIH can be silly.

Today I was coming in from recess and I had a ton of floaters. One was different than all of the rest though. It was perfectly round and somewhat gray and it seemed to stay in the same exact spot no matter where I pointed my eye. I was freaking out about it slightly and determined that I might need to call my husband and Dr. Awesome. I was convinced I would be leaving work early to head into the hospital for another tap.

Luckily I had the presence of mind to remove my glasses and hold them up to the light before I took any drastic steps. Why was this lucky? Because there was a smudge on my glasses that mimicked a blind spot. Wouldn't I have looked stupid?

Boogers.

I have a terrible cold.

It is terrible.

I am terrible.

I took a Benedryl and am sleepy but still coughing so I don't think I can sleep in bed because then everything will drain and I will not be able to fall asleep because I will be coughing and it will be terrible.

I think I should take a shower.

Then I could sleep a little later tomorrow.

Energy.

Bad day.

Big head.

No energy.

Picture says it all.

The Other Shoe

Neck/headache all day. Achy eyes. Exhausted. Floaters. The norm.

I had a dream.

In this dream my vision was double. It was only in one eye and it was not only double but the one eye was sideways too. I was in PE with the Stinker and I keep asking the PE coaches to call my mom so she could take me to the hospital. They refuse and they keep finding these drops that they insisted would help. They wouldn't listen to me as I was trying to explain that I need a spinal tap.

Bizarre.

We had a thunderstorm today. Even though I felt kind of like poop it was still nice to see the first thunderstorm of the year. There was lightening AND thunder. It was exciting.

Three more work days until spring break! I leave for Baltimore in 4. I am excited.

Changes

We use different language now.

We used to say, when we have a baby. When we have a baby we will... I can't wait until we have a baby because... When we have a baby we should name it...

Maybe it is hormones (I am having a heinous period right now) but I have been thinking a lot about those phantom children. Lincoln who we would have called Linc and Virginia Ann who of course would have had red hair and freckles. She would have been Ginny for short. Ginny Ann. I used to say I was going to dye her hair because I demanded a red headed daughter.

We loved them even before they were conceived.

The other day Hubs said, I can't wait until I'm a father. What a subtle difference. I do not think we will ever have a BABY but that doesn't mean we will not have a child. Now when I picture being a parent I picture a child who is broken. A child who has had a life that they need to recover from. A child who will need so much love.

We have love in spades.

Today was a good day. I finished the third book in the Hunger Games series. They were all excellent. I recommend them. I also slogged through my emails. I completed my Teach for America things. I had floaters. I laid outside in the sun. I snuggled in bed with the dogs.

I have had a long string of good days. I am kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Break

Sometimes I need a break from life. I've been taking an email break for most of the week and then last night I took an internet break. I also took a cell phone break.

I did not take a Hunger Games break. I read that whole book yesterday. It was pretty good.

I have a long list of people who need something from me and have emailed me. I have not a lot of energy this week. So I am taking a break. Tomorrow I will have to address them in order of importance. Starting with Teach for America because I have a bunch of stuff due.

Good day today. Mom took me out to buy my interview outfit. It is cute. I even got a flower for my hair. I will take a picture the day of.

I have been having a lot of floaters lately. That is concerning.

I am going to go back to pretending life doesn't exist now. I will return tomorrow.

Bummer Summer

A public service announcement...

TODAY IS NOT FRIDAY.

Even though it is beautiful and you felt like doing nothing at work today and you spent a half an hour down by the pond watching some weirdo hopping up a hill it is not Friday. It is Tuesday. Tuesday. It is also a full work week. So get used to it.

Today. Oh today. It was gorgeous but I had a headache. On and off all day. Lots of floaters in the morning. Stupid. It seemed to go away in the afternoon but then it came back when I rode my bike. Exercise induced headaches. Have I told you about these?

Certain exercises, like schlepping your bike up a hill, tend to increase intracranial pressure. YES! The one benefit to this condition. An excuse not to exercise.

So when we were hanging out the other night Wills wanted me to address something in my blog. She said that she wasn't clear on how this whole thing started. She knew the history with the hospitalization but she was curious to know when the symptoms first started.

The answer is I don't know.

There are indicators that it may have been something I have had since high school. Or it may have been something that just started. We don't know. Idiopathic means without origin which means we don't know exactly when it started. We don't know why it started and we don't know how it started.

Have I mentioned you can donate? They also have a store. There is a really pretty bracelet.