The Wait is Over

So the wait is over.

I was not offered the position.

And while I keep telling myself that is ok there is a part of me that is totally not ok with any of this.

I just don't understand how much bad news a girl can be expected to take before she flips the hell out. I found out the answer last night. Three major pieces of bad news in 4 and a half months. That is how much it takes before a girl flips the hell out.

I flipped out.

I never flip out.

Ok, that is a lie. I freak out all the time. But I freak out in private. Typically in my car. Typically because I am jealous of people who can relieve their pain with a pill. Typically because I miss my life before when I felt like a normal girl.

Last night was not in private.


And I try to put a happy face on it because no one likes a cry baby. I don't like a cry baby. I like to make fun of my problems because then they are not so big and scary. It's like imagining a spider wearing polka dot boxers and a clown wig. As soon as you can laugh at it it's not so scary anymore.

So yeah. I thought I was fine because I was laughing. And I am fineish. And I will be finer.

Good things in my life...
The puppies who are snoring next to me.
The husband who loves me
The mom who feeds me
The friends who take care of me
The doctors who are knowledgeable about me
The Stinker and all of the other kids who I already make a difference for every day

Maybe my mom was right. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. Maybe I am not done here. Who knows.

Good Day

Today was a pretty good day.

Did you know that they are doing all sorts of construction downtown? This means that my simple turn right onto Clark and then right onto Adams plan failed miserably. This resulted in my wandering around a three block radius like a mouse in a maze. I finally asked a security guard who told me the exact wrong thing and then I asked a second security guard who told me the exact right thing.

Success was had.

I cannot really talk about what exactly went on in the interview but I can say I think it went well.

I have blisters.

I am packed and ready for Baltimore. I am excited. Although sleeping over spring break sounds rather appealing right now. The headache might have something to do with that as well as a rather stressful day. I did get a nap in. So that is amazing. I think I am overdue for one of my 13 hour sleep days. I will not get that tomorrow.

I talked about IIH in my interview. I talked about how I will not let it stop me. I talked about how lucky I am to be responding to treatment and to have been diagnosed so quickly. I am lucky. I am very very lucky.

Early

It is early. I am printing number grids.

I leave for my interview in 40 minutes. I have to take the train into the city and then walk two blocks to the building where the interview will actually be.

This is making me nervous.

Then I will have a group interview where I will attempt to make a group of adults act like 7 year olds. After which I will have yet another section of said group interview where I try to stand out among this group of adults.

I am nervous about this.

Then I will hear information about the program.

This I am not so nervous about.

Then I will have to sign up for a block of time for a personal interview and potentially sit in the city for 5 hours. I don't know what order we get to pick our times, but I do know that I would like to go first so I can go home. I have much to do.

This I am also nervous about.

Maybe I should take an extra Lexipro today.

I am a bee

SHIT! I promised you Roy.

I don't have time to do Roy justice today. You will have to wait until tomorrow. I am updating quickly to tell you I am busy and then I am going to bake cookies.

This has been a slightly crazy week. The Statesman (this is going to be my brother in law's blog name) was running in the primary on Tuesday so we went to his victory party and were there the whole night. Last night I saw Dr. Awesome and didn't get home until later than expected. Then tonight I have to bake and watch the finale of Project Runway with my mom. Tomorrow is my interview with Teach for America and then Saturday we are leaving for Baltimore.

I also have to hang out with Wills tomorrow because I have not seen her since the dinosaurs walked the earth.

When will I get everything done?

Despite a balloon head on Tuesday I have been pretty lucky thus far. I just hope I don't feel like crap tomorrow. I might cry. I will just have to power through it though.

GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!

DOUBLE FUCK. This is my 100th post. I was going to do something special! I fail at blogging. I am so sorry.

<3

Changes

We use different language now.

We used to say, when we have a baby. When we have a baby we will... I can't wait until we have a baby because... When we have a baby we should name it...

Maybe it is hormones (I am having a heinous period right now) but I have been thinking a lot about those phantom children. Lincoln who we would have called Linc and Virginia Ann who of course would have had red hair and freckles. She would have been Ginny for short. Ginny Ann. I used to say I was going to dye her hair because I demanded a red headed daughter.

We loved them even before they were conceived.

The other day Hubs said, I can't wait until I'm a father. What a subtle difference. I do not think we will ever have a BABY but that doesn't mean we will not have a child. Now when I picture being a parent I picture a child who is broken. A child who has had a life that they need to recover from. A child who will need so much love.

We have love in spades.

Today was a good day. I finished the third book in the Hunger Games series. They were all excellent. I recommend them. I also slogged through my emails. I completed my Teach for America things. I had floaters. I laid outside in the sun. I snuggled in bed with the dogs.

I have had a long string of good days. I am kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Break

Sometimes I need a break from life. I've been taking an email break for most of the week and then last night I took an internet break. I also took a cell phone break.

I did not take a Hunger Games break. I read that whole book yesterday. It was pretty good.

I have a long list of people who need something from me and have emailed me. I have not a lot of energy this week. So I am taking a break. Tomorrow I will have to address them in order of importance. Starting with Teach for America because I have a bunch of stuff due.

Good day today. Mom took me out to buy my interview outfit. It is cute. I even got a flower for my hair. I will take a picture the day of.

I have been having a lot of floaters lately. That is concerning.

I am going to go back to pretending life doesn't exist now. I will return tomorrow.