Crabs

I am ready for summer to be over.

I am sick of not having a routine. I am sick of not knowing what I am getting myself into most days. I am sick of not being the expert on my kiddos. I am sick of not knowing what day it is.

Mrs. Rocketship, I NEED calendar.

Getting back to the Stinks feels like coming home. I know what to say to her, I know how to motivate her. And even on her worst days I know exactly what to expect.

I am petrified to see what next year brings. Life after the Stinks is daunting.

But it will be the same students, the same routine, the same coworkers, and the same tasks.

And I will still have the Stinks. Three days a week. At least 5 and a half hours a week. I might sneak her in my purse and carry around school with me. Just so she can say something funny when I am having a crap day.

Brave

Sometimes even the things you want more than anything are scary.

Petitions.

Filing.

Dissolution.

Cutting apart what you thought held you together for a long time.

But it didn't. It didn't hold you together. You are the glue that holds you together. It's always nice to have someone to lean on. It's always nice to have that support, but you are the one who gets out of bed every day and puts one foot in front of the other.

No one else can do that for you.

And the future is so bright. Anything is possible. Absolutely anything.

I'm so Neeeeeeervous

I have suffered from anxiety for as long as I can remember.

It was pretty obvious.

Still I didn't seek help for it until last year. I woke up from a kidney stone procedure and due to some drugs was calm. My heart wasn't racing. My mind was quiet. I looked at Hubs and said, "is this what it's like for you?" When he said yes I knew it was time to talk to my PCP. The doctor prescribed Lexapro for me and it worked wonders. I was able to face things head on again. I didn't have to look at things from the corner of my eye. My brain no longer invented things to worry about. It was glorious.

Then I was diagnosed with IIH.

Things got worse again on the anxiety front. I chalked it up to the extra stress and went on my way assuming that things would be better when I started to get used to this diagnosis. It has been getting worse. Not all of the time. It will hit me out of left field and suddenly I will be freaking out about something. It is unpleasant and causes me to do and say things that are completely out of character. Even as I am doing and saying them I am embarrassed and ashamed because this is not like me. But it is like it is out of my control.

Tonight was especially bad.

So I googled it. And the results were astonishing. On the message boards it seems like everyone is talking about how they feel the exact same way. There are numerous studies with IIH patients presenting with psychiatric complaints. They surmise that it might be an effect of the increased pressure on our brains.

And now I just want to cry because not only am I not alone but I don't think I am crazy.

And again I am left wondering, how long has this been going on? How long has my pressure been high? How long has this been screwing with my brain? And they say that IIH probably doesn't cause these symptom simply makes them present more strongly. But maybe I would have been functional without meds if I didn't have IIH.

And does any of this really matter? Or does it just give me another reason to be angry? Another reason to hate this condition and the lack of research and the lack of attention and the lack of support and the lack of everything. I don't know.

Home.

I take a medicine for blood pressure.

My blood pressure has been waaaay lower since my IIH has been gotten under control somewhat and I am convinced that my elevated ICP had something to do with it. Surprise surprise, there have been no studies.

Even so, I plan on taking this blood pressure medicine until I die.

It lowers the heart rate as well, which calms me down. If I could take a medicine that kept my heart rate at like 30 I would. The day that must not be spoken of I got a stern reminder of what it was like before I started taking my anxiety medicine and my blood pressure medicine. It was not good. My heart was racing, there were butterflies in my stomach, there was a lack of focus on the world but a hyper focus on my problems, and there may have been a panic attack.

It was unpleasant.

Things are better.

I worry though (obviously). I worry about not being hired by TFA and then I worry about being hired by TFA. I have lived in this town my whole life. Everyone I see knows me. They know who I am and what I am about. If I say something outrageous they discount it because that is just how I am. If I do get hired by TFA I will have to start a whole new life and decide who I am.

And when I fall apart? There won't be anyone outside of my house to take me in and make me remember who I am and why I'm awesome.

Because I am awesome.

Falling apart

I hate crumbling.

Hate hate hate.

I hate falling apart.

I have these three huge problems and not a single one of them is in my control.

I really thought I was handling it.

I was completely wrong.

Good Day

Today was a pretty good day.

Did you know that they are doing all sorts of construction downtown? This means that my simple turn right onto Clark and then right onto Adams plan failed miserably. This resulted in my wandering around a three block radius like a mouse in a maze. I finally asked a security guard who told me the exact wrong thing and then I asked a second security guard who told me the exact right thing.

Success was had.

I cannot really talk about what exactly went on in the interview but I can say I think it went well.

I have blisters.

I am packed and ready for Baltimore. I am excited. Although sleeping over spring break sounds rather appealing right now. The headache might have something to do with that as well as a rather stressful day. I did get a nap in. So that is amazing. I think I am overdue for one of my 13 hour sleep days. I will not get that tomorrow.

I talked about IIH in my interview. I talked about how I will not let it stop me. I talked about how lucky I am to be responding to treatment and to have been diagnosed so quickly. I am lucky. I am very very lucky.

Early

It is early. I am printing number grids.

I leave for my interview in 40 minutes. I have to take the train into the city and then walk two blocks to the building where the interview will actually be.

This is making me nervous.

Then I will have a group interview where I will attempt to make a group of adults act like 7 year olds. After which I will have yet another section of said group interview where I try to stand out among this group of adults.

I am nervous about this.

Then I will hear information about the program.

This I am not so nervous about.

Then I will have to sign up for a block of time for a personal interview and potentially sit in the city for 5 hours. I don't know what order we get to pick our times, but I do know that I would like to go first so I can go home. I have much to do.

This I am also nervous about.

Maybe I should take an extra Lexipro today.

Life Changes

When I was diagnosed I didn't know what it would mean. Since each person is different it means that other people's problems will not necessarily be yours.

What I did decide is that it wouldn't stop me.

So, still with pretty significant blind spots, I baked and decorated 8 dozen sugar cookies with little faces two days after being released from the hospital. To this day I am not sure how some of those little guys looked, but they were made and that was all I cared about.

I refuse to let this stop me and with that in mind I applied for Teach for America.

I haven't mentioned it yet because there really hasn't been anything to mention. I was invited for a phone interview which was rather exciting, but only the first step in the process. So I tried to temper my excitement. Today I found out that I was invited to the final interview. This is a slightly bigger deal. Still, 50% of applicants are invited to a final interview and only 11% are hired. Still, I think it is time to talk about it.

When I applied I waffled between two feelings, nervousness that I wouldn't even be called for a phone interview and then panic that I would be hired. And then I realized...

I would have to find a new neurologist.

That scares me more than anything. The thought of finding new doctors. Leaving my friends, sad. Leaving my family, sad. Leaving my coworkers, sad. None of these things are petrifying. What is petrifying is finding a doctor who knows what the hell he is doing when it comes to IIH.

I am not going to let it stop be though. If I am lucky enough to be hired we are going.

Pre-Spinal Tap Post

Dr. Awesome wants me to note how I feel the day I get my spinal tap. So I am noting it here. I plan on making Dr. Awesome read my blog if only so he can see what he truly looks like on the inside.

I have inserted his picture again so you can all be reminded.

Today I feel... ok. I have some slight pressure in my neck and ears but no headache. I am tired, but my dogs were on their mom has work schedule so it is the kind of tired you get when you get up too early. Damn dogs. I do have floaters though. Lots of floaters today and my eyes are showing a tendency to find it easier to remain unfocused.

We are going to go around 1 I think so I will blog afterwards and tell everyone how it went.

I am nervous.

There is a large part of me that worries that I don't really have IIH. Isn't that silly? I have proof in the form of excess spinal fluid that is sitting on a shelf at the Doosh's place right now as well as fundus pictures of my swollen optic nerves but still a large part of me wonders if this is all in my head. I mean, I guess I know that I have have IIH but what if my pressure is normal? Then why do I feel like such crap? Is that all in my head?

On the flip side I am petrified that my pressure is high and that I will have to take a million grams of acetazolamide. Not only is that shit not cheap, but the side effects are less than awesome. And then what if that doesn't work? Suddenly I'm staring into the eyes of a shaved head and a shunt. Well shit.

So yeah, my emotions are mixed. Excuse me, I think I need to go and look at cute pictures on the internet for a while...