The boyfriend formarly known as Prom Date

I met Prom Date many moons ago. Back in the heady days of freshman year of high school. I was just getting out of my awkward phase and realizing hey, boys really do like me! And Prom Date was a senior with a thing for girls with crazy colored hair.

He destroyed my bridge.

We lost touch after he left school but kept bumping into each other as it's a small town and a small world. It's so funny to hear about those interactions from his point of view. We look at those memories so differently.

Prom Date and I starting hanging out again because of a mutual friend. Little did I know he was following my tale of IIH woe on facebook and madly googling information that I was too scared to look up myself.

The first time I went over to his house with said friend he looked me right in eye and asked, "are you happy?"

To my dismay I couldn't answer that question. I had no idea if I was happy. I hadn't thought in those terms in so long. So I thought about it. And I thought about it. And the answer was no. I went back to Prom Date's house and I really talked to him. I talked about why I wasn't happy and he reminded me it was ok to tell the person you were with what you needed. He reminded me what it felt like to stand up for myself and he reminded me that sometimes we all needed to be a little selfish.

So he needs a new name. This has been a long time coming, but I was waiting until everything was all said and done.

A new name for Prom Date... how about BiFF? Because he will always always always be my best friend. Always.

<3

Fishues

I haven't updated about the fish lately.

They are ok.

We had a bit of an ammonia problem so our fish turned black. They are slowly turning gold again. Poor fish.

I have been dizzy for the past two days. Vertigo. A common problem among those with IIH. We checked my blood pressure and that's fine so I am guessing it is a head pressure thing that is disrupting the fluid balance in my ears.

Bleck.

I am considering cutting off my head. Prom Date said no. Party pooper.

Swim with the Fishies

I think my nose is sunburned.

I got to cross two things off of my list this weekend. One is none of your business, the other one was driving a boat.

We went to Prom Date's parent's house on the Mississippi where we swam until I was completely pruney from head to toe.

This is my idea of heaven.

I have also managed to find four free books for my kindle that look interesting.

Also my idea of heaven.

<3

Life, it's pretty grand.

Headaches

Shhhh, Prom Date is sleeping.

This whole working nights business is stupid. Like, really stupid.

Last night we went to a rib fest in our little town. It was fun. And Prom Date's mom asked how I was feeling as I had been having pretty consistent but super mild headaches for the past few days. I replied that I was better, but it lead to a discussion about how I know what kind of headache it is.

This is an interesting question and one I have discussed with Dr. Awesome at length. We have worked out a system. I ask myself four questions...

1. Have I eaten today?
2. Have I had enough water today?
3. Have I had caffeine today?
4. Did I sleep last night?

If any of those things need to be fixed I try to remedy the situation. If they don't need to be fixed or the fix doesn't work I take three or four Motrin, depending on the headache. If THAT doesn't work then it is safe to assume it is a pressure headache.

A pressure headache WILL NOT go away unless you reduce the pressure. And so, that's how I know. : )

Rawr

I have had a headache for like four days.

Nothing major, just a slight neck ache and headache in my forehead.

Just enough to be annoying, but not enough to stop anything. Just enough to make me throw a slight fit in the kitchen and then quietly do the dishes (I can do those Sweetie).

Sometimes I eat fries just for the condiments.

TJizzle just saved me from the world's largest spider. He is quite handy.

Today Prom Date fixed the fan. He is also quite handy.

I am lucky to live with two such handy young gentlemen.

Holy shit, I might be tired. I better take advantage of this while I can!

Independence

Yesterday was the 4th of July.

That is a day to celebrate independence.

Yesterday felt weird. It was the first day in what I am sure will be a string of building new traditions. Which, although liberating, is strange. And the 4th was always a big deal. The biggest deal of all of the holidays. And I have a confession.

I HATE the 4th of July.

I think the parade is boring and the fireworks stink.

There, that is MY declaration of independence.

But yesterday was ok. Too hot to really do anything so it was quiet and involved a nice long nap and sadly a terrible headache. The first really terrible headache. Which I have been nervous about. I should have known better. I was tucked on the couch and told not to move. I was kissed on the forehead and asked if anything could be done. I was told that being taken care of was his most important job. : ) I nearly cried.

And I got to thinking. About IIH and the role it played in the demise. I started to picture myself reading this blog and panicking as I wondered if that would be me and MY marriage and so I have decided to delve into it just a little bit. Just enough to let potential caregivers of someone with IIH know what it is like and what I want when I feel like crap.

IIH is frustrating for everyone. When you love someone and they are in pain your first response is to fix. Pills, ice, band-aids; anything to make it better. That is impossible with IIH. The thing you have to remember is that you can't feel their pain. And therefore you can't judge it. That was one of the mistakes that was made. It was by far not the worst mistake or the only mistake. It was not the one that sealed the deal or made up minds. It was something in a long lists of mistakes. It was by far not the deal breaker, but it did break me just a little bit more.

To have your life change and then to be made to feel over dramatic and useless when dealing with that change.

So my advise to all caregivers. Just be there. When pain hits just be there. I don't know how your sufferer reacts but I do know what I do, I hide. I slink off into another room and try and pretend that everything is ok. I rub my head and sigh until someone walks into the room and then I straighten like a kid who's hand was caught in the cookie jar.

Catch them. Sit them down. Kiss their forehead. Tell them to stop. Ask them what they need. Give it to them. Listen. Believe. Love. And if they need to pretend that they are fine and keep slogging through, let them. But be ready for the fall.

Just be perfect, like Prom Date. Maybe I will have him teach a class.

Cookies

Today I baked.

Things I like...

1. Having a kitchen.

This is the thing I like. I have cooked more in the last month than I have in the last three years combined. I am pretty much enamored with everything about this new life I am carving out.

Dinner was a hit. : )

I also occasionally feel like my life is an episode of New Girl. Only with a lot more turkeys and hugs.

I also like this.

I might be deliriously happy. Maybe. Probably. I am.

Loss

Well. We have lost one of our fishie family.

He passed quietly in the bowl surrounded by those he loved.

He will be missed.

We didn't flush him but instead gave him a burial (I use the term burial loosely, it was more of a toss) in the backyard. The neighbor boy almost stepped on him when I was taking him out back for a swing in the hammock. Poor Wobbly (that's the fish, not the neighbor boy).

I will wear my black arm band for the required mourning period. Does anyone know what the required mourning period is for a fish?

Prom Date's parents are coming over for dinner tonight. I had the bright idea to make lasagna on the hottest day of the summer. Don't judge. So today will be a cooking and cleaning day. I made the sauce and my cake yesterday which means I just have to throw together rolls and the lasagna. Easy peasy lemon squeesy.

Speaking of the Prom Date's rents they got me the cutest apron from a car show this weekend. It is a cupcake apron and they got me a matching petticoat to make it poof. So flipping adorable. And funny, because I totally had an apron almost exactly like it on my Amazon wishlist.

I guess I better get going. Someone left the kitchen a mess yesterday. I wonder who that could be.

Trust

I have been dealing a lot with trust lately.

I come with baggage. Lots of baggage. Sometimes it feels like I am dragging a U-Haul behind me. A little bit of my baggage is past relationship related. That's three or four boxes. Most of my baggage is IIH related.

By nature IIH can be a lot to take in. I look perfectly healthy. Most days I can do all of the things I could do before. I am stubborn so mostly I refuse to let it stop me. But there are times when it does stop me. There are things I can't do.

The children question.

I can have children, but they might have IIH. I can have children, but I might have to have spinal taps each week because they don't know if my meds are safe to take until 20 weeks. I can have children, but I don't know that I will be able to SEE them.

The fact that the acetazolamide could stop working and I might need a shunt. The fact that the shunt might not work and then I won't work.

Is that fair to saddle someone with?

Most of the time I feel like the answer to that question is no. But luckily it's not my choice. I don't get to decide what someone else can live with.

And that's where trust comes in. Which is slightly scary for me. But I am getting ok with it.

And just a bonus... Prom Date on prom.

: )

Responsibility

Oooooh, what to say.

Yesterday Prom Date and I went to an auction. He decided I was responsible for organizing him. I was ok with this as I am an excellent organizer. Not only did I keep a log of the pertinent events that occurred at the auction, BUT I also made sure we didn't leave anything behind.

I was very important.

But now I have decided this organization needs to extend even beyond the auction and into the selling of the items he purchased. So this morning I made him a spreadsheet. And not just any only spreadsheet but one with FORMULAS that can be accessed from our phones.

I feel very smart.

The best part of all of this? On Friday he totally tried to convince me that he didn't need anyone to be responsible for him. Pssshhhh. Silly Prom Date. Good thing for him I am not a very good listener.

Fishie Family!

There is something I need to address here in this blog.

This is a serious topic that is close to my heart and has caused me a ton of pain over the past few months.

Rotting Roy.

The dissolution of my marriage has sadly brought about the end in the chronicles of the dissolution of Roy.

I am sorry Roy. I have failed you.

But never fear! There are new heroes on the horizon! Small, gold, and alive...

THE FISH FAMILY!

There is a TJizzle fish, a Prom Date fish, and a Me fish. They live in a spigot jar and stare at me when I eat breakfast.

Prom Date won them for me at the fair. I got my choice of anything I wanted. Large stuffed animals, glowing Mohawks, the kind carnie from the ring toss game. And of course I chose the the game with the living things that required equiptment and care.

But, because he is pretty much the best person on the planet, he won me some fish and then took me to the store where we spent at least an hour getting the PERFECT fish set up. He also didn't complain too much when pink rocks got all over the kitchen and we had to stay up past midnight to allow our fishie family a chance to get acclimated.

Did I mention yet that he is pretty much the best ever?

Moments

For some reason I feel the need to hold on to certain moments lately. I feel like I have to tuck them away somewhere or they will be gone forever.

Promises whispered in the dark.
An arm around me in the kitchen.
Flowers on a car seat.
Eyes constantly scanning the crowd for me.
Every single ambush.
Super cold cups.
The smell of metal on hands.

I have this feeling of sand slipping through my fingers. I worry that one day I will look down and it will all be gone.

Sometimes you have to walk uphill and it is no fault of your own. Sometimes when you're used to vacant eyes and empty promises the real thing seems like a mirage. Sometimes you get too caught up waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes you need to make up for someone else's breach of trust.

That is not fair.

But thank you.

Hope

This is my chest.

This is where I will put my hopes.

Or bright orange snow pants. I might put those in there too. The winter clothes will smell wonderful.

Prom Date bought it for me. He is quite the guy.

Or I could store a dead body in there.

Oh God. We are teetering on a fashion emergency. TJizzle is trying to leave the house in plaid on plaid.

I cannot allow this to happen.

This is almost as bad as jean on jean.

I have saved him from this terrible fate.

He has selected a solid blue shirt. This is by far the better option and now he can pick up hot nurses.

I need to go back to work. I am about to go crazy with boredom. The house is clean. The laundry is done. The fridge is cleaned out. I might even... GASP... clean the floors. I do need to make up some sugar cookie dough but that would require me to wash the dishes I pulled out of the fridge and I don't know that I am that motivated yet. They aren't due until babysitting tomorrow morning so my natural urge to procrastinate is taking over.

I start sitting again tomorrow for the Stinks and then I have my first camp on Monday. Then I will feel better.

I was thinking last night about the fatigue when I was first diagnosed. I would take my pill at 7 am on the dot and by lunch at 12:30 I was falling asleep in my car. I would have to push through the rest of the day and then I would get home and pass out on the couch where I would pretty much sleep until the morning. Just getting up when my alarm went off to take my pill at 7 pm. I would say in general I am more tired than I was before diagnosis, but I am so glad that this particular side effect has pretty much cleared up.

When we were in Baltimore and then again when I was helping Prom Date and his family out this weekend I did notice that I wear out more quickly. That is frustrating. I noticed in Baltimore that a day of walking was way harder on me than it had been the year before. I hate that. Luckily I am stubborn enough not to let it stop me.

Few and Far Between

Sometimes you like songs because you hope someone else will identify with them.

My updates have been so few and far between because I have been doing so well! So few headaches.

Thursday night I didn't make it to the pharmacy in time and I was completely and totally out of acetazolamide. This meant that I missed my dose of acetazolamide at night and then the pharmacy doesn't open until 9 so I was going to miss it in the morning as well. : / not good. The last time I missed acetazolamide was when I was first diagnosed. There were allergy issues and so we had to wait to hear from the doctor to make sure everything was ok. I ended up in the hospital.

Things were even more complicated because I still don't have a car. So it wasn't like I could sneak out and pick up my prescription at the pharmacy by school. Plus my mom was out of town for the week. So she couldn't even help me out. It had the potential to be very very bad.

Then Prom Date stepped in.

"So do you need to me to get your prescription when the pharmacy opens tomorrow?" nod.
"Do you need me to bring it to school?" nod.
"Are you going to be ok until then?" shrug.

He has been wonderful this week. Not only carting me back and forth to school but also trying to help me find a car. Both he and TJizzle have gone a long way to helping me start rebuilding my confidence that has been kind of shattered.

Things tend to get messed up in your mind even if you are the one who walks away.

But now I have not one but two leads on cars and an interview for a summer job on Tuesday. I am pretty excited about it.

Happy Summer Saturday!

Lasagna

I am making lasagna for the boys.

I owe them a lot.

Mainly my second chance.

I will be making lasagna on Saturday but everyone knows that you have to make the sauce ahead of time for optimum flavor awesomeness. So I will hopefully be doing that today.

Have I mentioned that adult decisions are hard?

Things with Wheels

I need a car.

Badly.

It needs to be cheap.

I felt kind of crappy yesterday. Knot in my neck and a slight headache.

I opened a bank account yesterday. I also took my name off of the car insurance policy. There are a million little things that you have to do. It is hard to keep them all straight. I am staying in tonight and getting organized and figuring everything out.

The paper will be delivered tomorrow. I will find a car and a place to live.

I am determined.

Poor Prom Date and Mom aren't going to have to cart me around anymore.

Change

A week ago today I moved out of my house.

I am not going to air my relationship dirty laundry here, but I am not going back.

Since leaving I have not had a headache.

I have people to thank. Prom Date, TJizzle, Mom, Step-Dad, Mrs. Rocketship, the Doosh. <3

Happy Mother's Day.

Dreams

So Prom Date made me watch this terrible movie last night about infectious diseases. Contagion. It was supposed to be filmed here in town but they pulled out. Apparently he ended up working on one of the sets though so it resulted in me sitting through 146 minutes of the most boring shit I have ever seen.

Still, it resulted in these weird dreams about sick people, zombies, and the apocalypse. It also resulted in my getting like 6 hours of very interrupted sleep which I am not ok with.

I'm the kind of girl who needs a good 9 hours.

This is going to be a good weekend. Hubs and I have duties today that can't really be discussed in public because they are technically against the rules (we'll just say it might involve a small girl with a bow) and then tomorrow we are going to the drive in to see The Hunger Games with Cats and Spicy Ramen. I am super excited. I LOVE the drive in and I haven't been there since I was a kid. I will wear my PJ's just in case I fall asleep.

I do have to get to those trainings I need to finish though. Maybe tomorrow afternoon.

IIH can kiss my ass.

The Wait is Over

So the wait is over.

I was not offered the position.

And while I keep telling myself that is ok there is a part of me that is totally not ok with any of this.

I just don't understand how much bad news a girl can be expected to take before she flips the hell out. I found out the answer last night. Three major pieces of bad news in 4 and a half months. That is how much it takes before a girl flips the hell out.

I flipped out.

I never flip out.

Ok, that is a lie. I freak out all the time. But I freak out in private. Typically in my car. Typically because I am jealous of people who can relieve their pain with a pill. Typically because I miss my life before when I felt like a normal girl.

Last night was not in private.


And I try to put a happy face on it because no one likes a cry baby. I don't like a cry baby. I like to make fun of my problems because then they are not so big and scary. It's like imagining a spider wearing polka dot boxers and a clown wig. As soon as you can laugh at it it's not so scary anymore.

So yeah. I thought I was fine because I was laughing. And I am fineish. And I will be finer.

Good things in my life...
The puppies who are snoring next to me.
The husband who loves me
The mom who feeds me
The friends who take care of me
The doctors who are knowledgeable about me
The Stinker and all of the other kids who I already make a difference for every day

Maybe my mom was right. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. Maybe I am not done here. Who knows.

Strawberry Smoothie

Today.

I have been so tired lately. Yesterday I slept for two hours and then went to bed at 11 and slept through the whole night. I would have done the same tonight but I went out for smoothies instead (thanks Prom Date).

I have nothing exciting to report. Just playing the waiting game.

Waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.