The Wait is Over

So the wait is over.

I was not offered the position.

And while I keep telling myself that is ok there is a part of me that is totally not ok with any of this.

I just don't understand how much bad news a girl can be expected to take before she flips the hell out. I found out the answer last night. Three major pieces of bad news in 4 and a half months. That is how much it takes before a girl flips the hell out.

I flipped out.

I never flip out.

Ok, that is a lie. I freak out all the time. But I freak out in private. Typically in my car. Typically because I am jealous of people who can relieve their pain with a pill. Typically because I miss my life before when I felt like a normal girl.

Last night was not in private.


And I try to put a happy face on it because no one likes a cry baby. I don't like a cry baby. I like to make fun of my problems because then they are not so big and scary. It's like imagining a spider wearing polka dot boxers and a clown wig. As soon as you can laugh at it it's not so scary anymore.

So yeah. I thought I was fine because I was laughing. And I am fineish. And I will be finer.

Good things in my life...
The puppies who are snoring next to me.
The husband who loves me
The mom who feeds me
The friends who take care of me
The doctors who are knowledgeable about me
The Stinker and all of the other kids who I already make a difference for every day

Maybe my mom was right. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. Maybe I am not done here. Who knows.

Changes

We use different language now.

We used to say, when we have a baby. When we have a baby we will... I can't wait until we have a baby because... When we have a baby we should name it...

Maybe it is hormones (I am having a heinous period right now) but I have been thinking a lot about those phantom children. Lincoln who we would have called Linc and Virginia Ann who of course would have had red hair and freckles. She would have been Ginny for short. Ginny Ann. I used to say I was going to dye her hair because I demanded a red headed daughter.

We loved them even before they were conceived.

The other day Hubs said, I can't wait until I'm a father. What a subtle difference. I do not think we will ever have a BABY but that doesn't mean we will not have a child. Now when I picture being a parent I picture a child who is broken. A child who has had a life that they need to recover from. A child who will need so much love.

We have love in spades.

Today was a good day. I finished the third book in the Hunger Games series. They were all excellent. I recommend them. I also slogged through my emails. I completed my Teach for America things. I had floaters. I laid outside in the sun. I snuggled in bed with the dogs.

I have had a long string of good days. I am kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Surprises

Today was supposed to be a surprise birthday party for Cats.

She found out.

Now I am not pointing fingers or naming names, but I assume the responsibility lies with her husband, Spicy Ramen. I know that he may try and fool you with his denials in the comments of this blog post. I would suggest you take everything he says with a rather large grain of salt.

Wills' guest post. Pretty awesome huh? Almost made me cry.

Today has been a fine day. A good day. Sunny as can be so we took the pups for a walk down by the pond. Then I napped, which is interesting because I slept for 12 hours last night. Something I need to ask the neuro about I think.

Dr. Awesome... is narcolepsy a typical side effect of IIH?

I also discovered something a little horrifying last night. I believe I am growing horns out of my forehead. The Hubs says they are as pronounced as they have always been. I doubt him on this. And they seem to be smaller today. Also something I need to ask the neuro about. I think this one might have go in the ridiculous question section though.

A little housekeeping note. I have added a symptom calendar up above. If you click on it you will travel to my google calendar which will tell you the weather and what symptoms I am experiencing that day. Enjoy. Maybe someone will want to make a graph.

I must go shower for this surprise party that is no longer a surprise. I hope the vegetarian chili is tasty. I used this recipe but I added a whole bunch of things and my crock pot barely closed. Oops.

Things I am down with...

OPP

PTC

And this sunny weather we are having.

It was so warm today! I wanted to ride my bike, but there was a serious problem with that. I might have been blown away. We took the dogs for a walk instead. The Hubs and I. They loved it.

On the IIH front... AMAZING day. I felt almost like my old self. I am hopeful that with the nicer weather things will start to look up for me. We shall see.

Mom and I went out to dinner tonight. Holy cow was it good. My sandwich had APPLES on it. I LOVE sandwiches with apples on them.

Also, this video is a complete violation of copyright law.

Lazy Days

no idea who made this. sorry.

This one here. This describes my Friday night.

I would like to thank the Presidents of the United States of America for existing so I can have this day off of school to bask in the sun with two small beagle puppies.

I would not like to thank the people from the highway widening commission who decided this would be a great day to chop down the two large trees in my yard forcing me to listen to the sound of chainsaws. That kind of counteracts any relaxing gained from the basking. How selfish of them.

A small boy's face

Buster (left) and Haylee (right).

Sunny sunny day today. I have a walk at the forest preserve penciled in, but I am concerned about the mud factor. It is incredibly muddy. It would get my away from the sound of chainsaws though. I don't know that the dogs will want to go. They seem pretty content to bask.

Rare Disease Day is in 9 days. I hope you have your plans all worked out. If you need something to do you can some watch me get a spinal tap. I would not mind.