Brave

Sometimes even the things you want more than anything are scary.

Petitions.

Filing.

Dissolution.

Cutting apart what you thought held you together for a long time.

But it didn't. It didn't hold you together. You are the glue that holds you together. It's always nice to have someone to lean on. It's always nice to have that support, but you are the one who gets out of bed every day and puts one foot in front of the other.

No one else can do that for you.

And the future is so bright. Anything is possible. Absolutely anything.

Independence

Yesterday was the 4th of July.

That is a day to celebrate independence.

Yesterday felt weird. It was the first day in what I am sure will be a string of building new traditions. Which, although liberating, is strange. And the 4th was always a big deal. The biggest deal of all of the holidays. And I have a confession.

I HATE the 4th of July.

I think the parade is boring and the fireworks stink.

There, that is MY declaration of independence.

But yesterday was ok. Too hot to really do anything so it was quiet and involved a nice long nap and sadly a terrible headache. The first really terrible headache. Which I have been nervous about. I should have known better. I was tucked on the couch and told not to move. I was kissed on the forehead and asked if anything could be done. I was told that being taken care of was his most important job. : ) I nearly cried.

And I got to thinking. About IIH and the role it played in the demise. I started to picture myself reading this blog and panicking as I wondered if that would be me and MY marriage and so I have decided to delve into it just a little bit. Just enough to let potential caregivers of someone with IIH know what it is like and what I want when I feel like crap.

IIH is frustrating for everyone. When you love someone and they are in pain your first response is to fix. Pills, ice, band-aids; anything to make it better. That is impossible with IIH. The thing you have to remember is that you can't feel their pain. And therefore you can't judge it. That was one of the mistakes that was made. It was by far not the worst mistake or the only mistake. It was not the one that sealed the deal or made up minds. It was something in a long lists of mistakes. It was by far not the deal breaker, but it did break me just a little bit more.

To have your life change and then to be made to feel over dramatic and useless when dealing with that change.

So my advise to all caregivers. Just be there. When pain hits just be there. I don't know how your sufferer reacts but I do know what I do, I hide. I slink off into another room and try and pretend that everything is ok. I rub my head and sigh until someone walks into the room and then I straighten like a kid who's hand was caught in the cookie jar.

Catch them. Sit them down. Kiss their forehead. Tell them to stop. Ask them what they need. Give it to them. Listen. Believe. Love. And if they need to pretend that they are fine and keep slogging through, let them. But be ready for the fall.

Just be perfect, like Prom Date. Maybe I will have him teach a class.

Moments

For some reason I feel the need to hold on to certain moments lately. I feel like I have to tuck them away somewhere or they will be gone forever.

Promises whispered in the dark.
An arm around me in the kitchen.
Flowers on a car seat.
Eyes constantly scanning the crowd for me.
Every single ambush.
Super cold cups.
The smell of metal on hands.

I have this feeling of sand slipping through my fingers. I worry that one day I will look down and it will all be gone.

Sometimes you have to walk uphill and it is no fault of your own. Sometimes when you're used to vacant eyes and empty promises the real thing seems like a mirage. Sometimes you get too caught up waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes you need to make up for someone else's breach of trust.

That is not fair.

But thank you.

Sad Shirt

Today I was told that my shirt was not cute.

"Stinks, is my shirt cute?"

"No."

"Why not?!?"

"It is sad. You shouldn't live in it anymore."

Poor poor me and my poor poor shirt.

Changes

We use different language now.

We used to say, when we have a baby. When we have a baby we will... I can't wait until we have a baby because... When we have a baby we should name it...

Maybe it is hormones (I am having a heinous period right now) but I have been thinking a lot about those phantom children. Lincoln who we would have called Linc and Virginia Ann who of course would have had red hair and freckles. She would have been Ginny for short. Ginny Ann. I used to say I was going to dye her hair because I demanded a red headed daughter.

We loved them even before they were conceived.

The other day Hubs said, I can't wait until I'm a father. What a subtle difference. I do not think we will ever have a BABY but that doesn't mean we will not have a child. Now when I picture being a parent I picture a child who is broken. A child who has had a life that they need to recover from. A child who will need so much love.

We have love in spades.

Today was a good day. I finished the third book in the Hunger Games series. They were all excellent. I recommend them. I also slogged through my emails. I completed my Teach for America things. I had floaters. I laid outside in the sun. I snuggled in bed with the dogs.

I have had a long string of good days. I am kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop.