Crabs

I am ready for summer to be over.

I am sick of not having a routine. I am sick of not knowing what I am getting myself into most days. I am sick of not being the expert on my kiddos. I am sick of not knowing what day it is.

Mrs. Rocketship, I NEED calendar.

Getting back to the Stinks feels like coming home. I know what to say to her, I know how to motivate her. And even on her worst days I know exactly what to expect.

I am petrified to see what next year brings. Life after the Stinks is daunting.

But it will be the same students, the same routine, the same coworkers, and the same tasks.

And I will still have the Stinks. Three days a week. At least 5 and a half hours a week. I might sneak her in my purse and carry around school with me. Just so she can say something funny when I am having a crap day.

Hope

This is my chest.

This is where I will put my hopes.

Or bright orange snow pants. I might put those in there too. The winter clothes will smell wonderful.

Prom Date bought it for me. He is quite the guy.

Or I could store a dead body in there.

Oh God. We are teetering on a fashion emergency. TJizzle is trying to leave the house in plaid on plaid.

I cannot allow this to happen.

This is almost as bad as jean on jean.

I have saved him from this terrible fate.

He has selected a solid blue shirt. This is by far the better option and now he can pick up hot nurses.

I need to go back to work. I am about to go crazy with boredom. The house is clean. The laundry is done. The fridge is cleaned out. I might even... GASP... clean the floors. I do need to make up some sugar cookie dough but that would require me to wash the dishes I pulled out of the fridge and I don't know that I am that motivated yet. They aren't due until babysitting tomorrow morning so my natural urge to procrastinate is taking over.

I start sitting again tomorrow for the Stinks and then I have my first camp on Monday. Then I will feel better.

I was thinking last night about the fatigue when I was first diagnosed. I would take my pill at 7 am on the dot and by lunch at 12:30 I was falling asleep in my car. I would have to push through the rest of the day and then I would get home and pass out on the couch where I would pretty much sleep until the morning. Just getting up when my alarm went off to take my pill at 7 pm. I would say in general I am more tired than I was before diagnosis, but I am so glad that this particular side effect has pretty much cleared up.

When we were in Baltimore and then again when I was helping Prom Date and his family out this weekend I did notice that I wear out more quickly. That is frustrating. I noticed in Baltimore that a day of walking was way harder on me than it had been the year before. I hate that. Luckily I am stubborn enough not to let it stop me.

Pro Bowler

Last night I went bowling.

Totally got tapped to go pro.

Today all I feel like doing is eating. NOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM. I think I am going to make my FAVORITE red potatoes tonight and I am not going to share.

Lasagna was a hit last night.

I had a really bad head day yesterday. This was my first one in a little while and I did not like it at all. I was out in the heat most of the day so that may have had something to do with it, but I was inside where it was cool and it hurt then too so it might just have been a bad day. I had just forgotten what that feels like.

I saw lots of wildlife yesterday. I saw a toad AND a cat. I tried to befriend both. It did not work.

The Stinker's birthday party is today!

The Wait is Over

So the wait is over.

I was not offered the position.

And while I keep telling myself that is ok there is a part of me that is totally not ok with any of this.

I just don't understand how much bad news a girl can be expected to take before she flips the hell out. I found out the answer last night. Three major pieces of bad news in 4 and a half months. That is how much it takes before a girl flips the hell out.

I flipped out.

I never flip out.

Ok, that is a lie. I freak out all the time. But I freak out in private. Typically in my car. Typically because I am jealous of people who can relieve their pain with a pill. Typically because I miss my life before when I felt like a normal girl.

Last night was not in private.


And I try to put a happy face on it because no one likes a cry baby. I don't like a cry baby. I like to make fun of my problems because then they are not so big and scary. It's like imagining a spider wearing polka dot boxers and a clown wig. As soon as you can laugh at it it's not so scary anymore.

So yeah. I thought I was fine because I was laughing. And I am fineish. And I will be finer.

Good things in my life...
The puppies who are snoring next to me.
The husband who loves me
The mom who feeds me
The friends who take care of me
The doctors who are knowledgeable about me
The Stinker and all of the other kids who I already make a difference for every day

Maybe my mom was right. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. Maybe I am not done here. Who knows.

Sad Shirt

Today I was told that my shirt was not cute.

"Stinks, is my shirt cute?"

"No."

"Why not?!?"

"It is sad. You shouldn't live in it anymore."

Poor poor me and my poor poor shirt.

The Other Shoe

Neck/headache all day. Achy eyes. Exhausted. Floaters. The norm.

I had a dream.

In this dream my vision was double. It was only in one eye and it was not only double but the one eye was sideways too. I was in PE with the Stinker and I keep asking the PE coaches to call my mom so she could take me to the hospital. They refuse and they keep finding these drops that they insisted would help. They wouldn't listen to me as I was trying to explain that I need a spinal tap.

Bizarre.

We had a thunderstorm today. Even though I felt kind of like poop it was still nice to see the first thunderstorm of the year. There was lightening AND thunder. It was exciting.

Three more work days until spring break! I leave for Baltimore in 4. I am excited.

Today Sucked

Stupid today.

Everyone was crabby and their hair was messed up.

I got yelled at by the lunch ladies. EXCUSE ME if the Stinker has a processing delay and needs a little more time telling you who her teacher is. You don't have to YELL at me. And we come through everyday. You should kind of know by now and you could just be punching it in while I am forcing her to go through the motions.

It was rainy and I was crabby. I had a headache all day and I was tired. I yelled at an old man who was trying to cross the road. Not like, to him, but in my car. I also yelled at a lady who didn't merge as quickly as I wanted her to.

So I guess I was crabby too. Let's all hope that tomorrow is better.

Rocks in my Pocket

The Stinker.

I love and adore the Stinker.

She is probably the funniest kid on the planet. Sometimes she looks at me and says something and I nearly die. She brings something to school each day on the bus. She is always excited to show me what it is. Today it was a rock. She held the rock out for me. I asked her what it was. She said... A ROCK! I asked her why she brought a rock. She said to put in her pocket.

Why would this seven year old girl bring a rock to school to put in her pocket?

Well, on windy days I tell her that we better put rocks in our pocket so we do not blow away.

Apparently she listened.

Mrs. Rocketship, can you believe that I have not blogged about The Stinker before???

It was overcast all day. I felt ok, but tired. A headache has started to set in. I am not ok with this. It is supposed to storm tonight. I am afraid of storms.