Moments

For some reason I feel the need to hold on to certain moments lately. I feel like I have to tuck them away somewhere or they will be gone forever.

Promises whispered in the dark.
An arm around me in the kitchen.
Flowers on a car seat.
Eyes constantly scanning the crowd for me.
Every single ambush.
Super cold cups.
The smell of metal on hands.

I have this feeling of sand slipping through my fingers. I worry that one day I will look down and it will all be gone.

Sometimes you have to walk uphill and it is no fault of your own. Sometimes when you're used to vacant eyes and empty promises the real thing seems like a mirage. Sometimes you get too caught up waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes you need to make up for someone else's breach of trust.

That is not fair.

But thank you.

But wait... There's MORE!

I saw the neurologist yesterday.

Dr. Awesome was awesome, as always.

We chatted a bit. I had to push and pull him. He did not tickle my feet. He peeked at my eyes. Asked me about headaches and then told me he didn't need to see me for 5 more months. After he had coaxed me out of the corner and calmed my weeping he explained that while he WANTED to see me everyday there really was no medical reason. So then I began to fake double vision. He did not buy it.

So yeah. I think I am officially managed.

This is awesome.

Growing up

I don't buy any of that new age crap. I typically don't go in for inspirational sayings. I think when shit gets tough either you suck it up and change something about it or you stop complaining.

I have always picked my friends with pretty much one things in mind, do we laugh? If the answer is yes then for sure we can be friends. If the answer is no then we prolly aren't going to get along. I know, I'm not very picky. I can take a lot of shit. I can be pretty much whatever you need me to be, as long as you make me laugh.

But something about that has changed. I don't know if it's the diagnosis or simply a result of getting older, but I have found myself craving relationships that are far more real than that. Friends that will not only talk but listen. Friends who will offer advice and assistance when needed and sometimes just listen to me bitch about what happened that day.

It's required changes on my part. I have had to learn to trust people. I have had to tell people what is really going on and not just the rosy picture that I like to paint in my head. And in return I want friends who will do the same with me. Friends who will trust me with things they keep a secret from other people.

And I feel better. About my life and the scary unknown. I feel like I can face it because it's not just me and Hubs against the world. There are others who will hold my hand and help keep me going.

And there are still those people who I just laugh with. Because they are fine too. There is nothing wrong with that. But I am no longer scared that the people who have stuck around are going to run because I share something real with them because if that happens it is their problem not mine.

: )

Disappointment

Today we learned a hard lesson about disappointment.

Our zoo field trip was cancelled.

It was a depressing day.

Still, it was a good lesson because sometimes in life things do not go as planned. And on those days we have to buck up and continue with business as usual. There may have been a few complaints. And I may have been tempted to throw a kicking screaming fit on the floor. But none of those things happened.

Instead I got to write a paragraph about Justin Bieber with a rather adorable 7 year old.

And I got to eat lunch with a room full of scrubby boys while we watched a panda munch on bamboo.

And I got to swing on the swings during extra recess.

And then the Hubs bought me a new hammock.

So really, it was a pretty good day.

Mardy Bum

Yesterday I was unpleasant.

I was not nice to my husband.

This song happened to come on my Pandora and while not only awesome it also served as an excellent apology for the time I yelled at my husband for being sick.

So next time someone is being unpleasant for no reason at all you should call them a Mardy Bum. According to Urban Dictionary that is someone who complains a lot.

I am a total mardy bum.

Genius

I have the best job in the world.

Today one of the kids was wearing a sweatshirt that had a missing the zipper pull. We shall call this particular young man Dimples. He was stuck in his sweatshirt so I put a paperclip on there so he could get in and out. You would have thought that I split the atom.

I felt pretty awesome about myself.

I forgot to take my pill today.

Never again. I think I have to get a pill case and put one of each in there to keep in my purse just in case. I assume I will have to rotate stock every once in a while.

How long does it take for medicine to go bad?

This week there are only two things I am annoyed about. I think this is pretty excellent.

Happy Tuesday!

Untitled

I am failing at this blog post.

I can't seem to get the right tone.

I can't think of the right title.

I am just at a loss as to what I want to say or really how I feel at this moment in time.

Physically I am fine. Slight neck ache. Slight headache. Slight cramps. Nothing debilitating.

Emotionally.

It was an interesting few days.

There are people in your life who make you feel like you're wrapped in a warm blanket.

There are people in your life who don't.

I want to spend my time with the people who make me feel like I am in the warm blanket.

Sweet Relief

I finally feel like a normal person again.

Well, not like I did before. Never like I did before.

But normaler.

I think I will take this moment of okness to talk about something that I have been putting off for far to long. I promised you this long ago and then life happened and he got shoved aside. He is so patient and good that he did not complain but simply waited patiently for his moment in the spotlight...

Roy.

Roy is doing really well. One side of him is a little smooshed because the dogs step on him accidentally when they walk up the stairs. This is interesting as they never used to which I believe means that he has expanded somewhat.

I hope this means he is thinking about exploding.

I am pretty sure that Roy exploding would make my life complete.

Sad Shirt

Today I was told that my shirt was not cute.

"Stinks, is my shirt cute?"

"No."

"Why not?!?"

"It is sad. You shouldn't live in it anymore."

Poor poor me and my poor poor shirt.

The Grind

Back to work today.

Cute kids, funny stories, lots of hugs.

A bike ride down to the pond. A family fishing.

Today was ok.

People with chronic neurological conditions are like 6 million times more likely to become depressed (NOT A REAL STATISTIC). I read that last night when I started to yell at the Hubs about taking care of me. I figured I should look up mood changes because I was having one.

So today I woke up and I made a choice.

It would be a good day.

Important fact... it is not technically illegal to have sex with a dead body in Illinois. They are trying to pass that law now so you may want to get on that.

Baltimore: Day 2

Today for breakfast I ate at Miss Shirley's. It was fabulous. To the left are white chocolate raspberry pancakes and to the right are some delicious hash browns with onions. I think I gained twenty pounds.

 After that we drove over to Fort McHenry. This was where Francis Scott Key wrote the Star Spangled Banner. It also saved Baltimore during the revolutionary war. It was pretty awesome and the grounds are beautiful. The only problem? I forgot my memory card in my camera so I could only take a few pictures.

We went to Fell's Point which is a neighborhood in Baltimore and I saw where Homicide was created! isn't that super cool?

We walked to Fell's Point. It was a pretty long walk and by the time we were trecking up the hill on the way back to the Doosh's the back of my neck felt like it had a metal rod stuck into it. I assume it was some type of exertional headache. That is one thing I have really noticed on this trip. I am so much slower than I used to be. I have less energy and I get bogged down by fatigue sooner.

So bottom line it was a relief to be back at the Doosh's hanging out with Charlie and Nacho. Mom even fell asleep.

But the crowning achievement of the day was none of these things. It wasn't even the delicious Greek food I had for dinner that I failed to take a picture of. It wasn't even when my neck ache went away and I started to feel human again.

It was Duckpin Bowling.

Doosh bowling

Tiny Dancer bowling

Duckpin bowling is much like regular bowling only the balls and pins are smaller and you get three turns a frame instead of two. It was probably the most fun thing we have done thus far. I would Duckpin bowl again in a heartbeat.

Mom bowling

Baltimore Baby

We made it!

We had originally planned on stopping with about three hours left, but then the Doosh got us a good deal at his hotel so we figured let's just go. And went we did.

The trip was great, except the last hour which was incredibly rainy. I thought that Mom might have a heart attack, but we got through it. Tomorrow we will move to the hotel where we will be staying throughout the trip, which is right by the harbor. I am excited.

I will keep you posted.

Good Day

Today was a pretty good day.

Did you know that they are doing all sorts of construction downtown? This means that my simple turn right onto Clark and then right onto Adams plan failed miserably. This resulted in my wandering around a three block radius like a mouse in a maze. I finally asked a security guard who told me the exact wrong thing and then I asked a second security guard who told me the exact right thing.

Success was had.

I cannot really talk about what exactly went on in the interview but I can say I think it went well.

I have blisters.

I am packed and ready for Baltimore. I am excited. Although sleeping over spring break sounds rather appealing right now. The headache might have something to do with that as well as a rather stressful day. I did get a nap in. So that is amazing. I think I am overdue for one of my 13 hour sleep days. I will not get that tomorrow.

I talked about IIH in my interview. I talked about how I will not let it stop me. I talked about how lucky I am to be responding to treatment and to have been diagnosed so quickly. I am lucky. I am very very lucky.

I am a bee

SHIT! I promised you Roy.

I don't have time to do Roy justice today. You will have to wait until tomorrow. I am updating quickly to tell you I am busy and then I am going to bake cookies.

This has been a slightly crazy week. The Statesman (this is going to be my brother in law's blog name) was running in the primary on Tuesday so we went to his victory party and were there the whole night. Last night I saw Dr. Awesome and didn't get home until later than expected. Then tonight I have to bake and watch the finale of Project Runway with my mom. Tomorrow is my interview with Teach for America and then Saturday we are leaving for Baltimore.

I also have to hang out with Wills tomorrow because I have not seen her since the dinosaurs walked the earth.

When will I get everything done?

Despite a balloon head on Tuesday I have been pretty lucky thus far. I just hope I don't feel like crap tomorrow. I might cry. I will just have to power through it though.

GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!

DOUBLE FUCK. This is my 100th post. I was going to do something special! I fail at blogging. I am so sorry.

<3

Dr. Who?

GOOD NEWS EVERYONE!
I am not growing horns.

Dr. Awesome!

I saw the good doctor today and we set a record. There was not a single face palm.

I think he has given up.

Bottom line, we aren't going to do anything. Well. I am going to do something. I am going to make an appointment with the ophthalmologist. As long as I am not losing my sight and my headaches aren't worse we are going to keep on keeping on.

This makes me happy.

I am going to make a second section with Dr. Awesome's answers. I wouldn't want to confuse him with questions. The poor man already has enough to deal with when it comes to me.

On another and equally important note I saw a goose poop yesterday. Like I actually saw the poop come out of it's butt. It was hilarious and I giggled at least three times thinking about it today. It really comes out as a white liquid. I don't know why that would be surprising to me, but it was. Also hilarious.

Tomorrow. Expect a Roy announcement. He looks great.

Changes

We use different language now.

We used to say, when we have a baby. When we have a baby we will... I can't wait until we have a baby because... When we have a baby we should name it...

Maybe it is hormones (I am having a heinous period right now) but I have been thinking a lot about those phantom children. Lincoln who we would have called Linc and Virginia Ann who of course would have had red hair and freckles. She would have been Ginny for short. Ginny Ann. I used to say I was going to dye her hair because I demanded a red headed daughter.

We loved them even before they were conceived.

The other day Hubs said, I can't wait until I'm a father. What a subtle difference. I do not think we will ever have a BABY but that doesn't mean we will not have a child. Now when I picture being a parent I picture a child who is broken. A child who has had a life that they need to recover from. A child who will need so much love.

We have love in spades.

Today was a good day. I finished the third book in the Hunger Games series. They were all excellent. I recommend them. I also slogged through my emails. I completed my Teach for America things. I had floaters. I laid outside in the sun. I snuggled in bed with the dogs.

I have had a long string of good days. I am kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Break

Sometimes I need a break from life. I've been taking an email break for most of the week and then last night I took an internet break. I also took a cell phone break.

I did not take a Hunger Games break. I read that whole book yesterday. It was pretty good.

I have a long list of people who need something from me and have emailed me. I have not a lot of energy this week. So I am taking a break. Tomorrow I will have to address them in order of importance. Starting with Teach for America because I have a bunch of stuff due.

Good day today. Mom took me out to buy my interview outfit. It is cute. I even got a flower for my hair. I will take a picture the day of.

I have been having a lot of floaters lately. That is concerning.

I am going to go back to pretending life doesn't exist now. I will return tomorrow.

Humping

Wills is out of town. I am tending to her dog. I went over there last night and took the small and fuzzy beast for a walk.

Then I was humped relentlessly.

It was slightly off-putting.

I went over there tonight and it was the same drill only there was absolutely no humping. Now I am worried that I didn't look pretty.

Life Changes

When I was diagnosed I didn't know what it would mean. Since each person is different it means that other people's problems will not necessarily be yours.

What I did decide is that it wouldn't stop me.

So, still with pretty significant blind spots, I baked and decorated 8 dozen sugar cookies with little faces two days after being released from the hospital. To this day I am not sure how some of those little guys looked, but they were made and that was all I cared about.

I refuse to let this stop me and with that in mind I applied for Teach for America.

I haven't mentioned it yet because there really hasn't been anything to mention. I was invited for a phone interview which was rather exciting, but only the first step in the process. So I tried to temper my excitement. Today I found out that I was invited to the final interview. This is a slightly bigger deal. Still, 50% of applicants are invited to a final interview and only 11% are hired. Still, I think it is time to talk about it.

When I applied I waffled between two feelings, nervousness that I wouldn't even be called for a phone interview and then panic that I would be hired. And then I realized...

I would have to find a new neurologist.

That scares me more than anything. The thought of finding new doctors. Leaving my friends, sad. Leaving my family, sad. Leaving my coworkers, sad. None of these things are petrifying. What is petrifying is finding a doctor who knows what the hell he is doing when it comes to IIH.

I am not going to let it stop be though. If I am lucky enough to be hired we are going.

Bummer Summer

A public service announcement...

TODAY IS NOT FRIDAY.

Even though it is beautiful and you felt like doing nothing at work today and you spent a half an hour down by the pond watching some weirdo hopping up a hill it is not Friday. It is Tuesday. Tuesday. It is also a full work week. So get used to it.

Today. Oh today. It was gorgeous but I had a headache. On and off all day. Lots of floaters in the morning. Stupid. It seemed to go away in the afternoon but then it came back when I rode my bike. Exercise induced headaches. Have I told you about these?

Certain exercises, like schlepping your bike up a hill, tend to increase intracranial pressure. YES! The one benefit to this condition. An excuse not to exercise.

So when we were hanging out the other night Wills wanted me to address something in my blog. She said that she wasn't clear on how this whole thing started. She knew the history with the hospitalization but she was curious to know when the symptoms first started.

The answer is I don't know.

There are indicators that it may have been something I have had since high school. Or it may have been something that just started. We don't know. Idiopathic means without origin which means we don't know exactly when it started. We don't know why it started and we don't know how it started.

Have I mentioned you can donate? They also have a store. There is a really pretty bracelet.