The Wait is Over

So the wait is over.

I was not offered the position.

And while I keep telling myself that is ok there is a part of me that is totally not ok with any of this.

I just don't understand how much bad news a girl can be expected to take before she flips the hell out. I found out the answer last night. Three major pieces of bad news in 4 and a half months. That is how much it takes before a girl flips the hell out.

I flipped out.

I never flip out.

Ok, that is a lie. I freak out all the time. But I freak out in private. Typically in my car. Typically because I am jealous of people who can relieve their pain with a pill. Typically because I miss my life before when I felt like a normal girl.

Last night was not in private.


And I try to put a happy face on it because no one likes a cry baby. I don't like a cry baby. I like to make fun of my problems because then they are not so big and scary. It's like imagining a spider wearing polka dot boxers and a clown wig. As soon as you can laugh at it it's not so scary anymore.

So yeah. I thought I was fine because I was laughing. And I am fineish. And I will be finer.

Good things in my life...
The puppies who are snoring next to me.
The husband who loves me
The mom who feeds me
The friends who take care of me
The doctors who are knowledgeable about me
The Stinker and all of the other kids who I already make a difference for every day

Maybe my mom was right. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. Maybe I am not done here. Who knows.