Carry On.

This is my new favorite song.

I heard it last night.

It was like... fate... or something.

This is the acoustic version. Which makes me smile even more.

<3

I'm so Neeeeeeervous

I have suffered from anxiety for as long as I can remember.

It was pretty obvious.

Still I didn't seek help for it until last year. I woke up from a kidney stone procedure and due to some drugs was calm. My heart wasn't racing. My mind was quiet. I looked at Hubs and said, "is this what it's like for you?" When he said yes I knew it was time to talk to my PCP. The doctor prescribed Lexapro for me and it worked wonders. I was able to face things head on again. I didn't have to look at things from the corner of my eye. My brain no longer invented things to worry about. It was glorious.

Then I was diagnosed with IIH.

Things got worse again on the anxiety front. I chalked it up to the extra stress and went on my way assuming that things would be better when I started to get used to this diagnosis. It has been getting worse. Not all of the time. It will hit me out of left field and suddenly I will be freaking out about something. It is unpleasant and causes me to do and say things that are completely out of character. Even as I am doing and saying them I am embarrassed and ashamed because this is not like me. But it is like it is out of my control.

Tonight was especially bad.

So I googled it. And the results were astonishing. On the message boards it seems like everyone is talking about how they feel the exact same way. There are numerous studies with IIH patients presenting with psychiatric complaints. They surmise that it might be an effect of the increased pressure on our brains.

And now I just want to cry because not only am I not alone but I don't think I am crazy.

And again I am left wondering, how long has this been going on? How long has my pressure been high? How long has this been screwing with my brain? And they say that IIH probably doesn't cause these symptom simply makes them present more strongly. But maybe I would have been functional without meds if I didn't have IIH.

And does any of this really matter? Or does it just give me another reason to be angry? Another reason to hate this condition and the lack of research and the lack of attention and the lack of support and the lack of everything. I don't know.

Dreams

So Prom Date made me watch this terrible movie last night about infectious diseases. Contagion. It was supposed to be filmed here in town but they pulled out. Apparently he ended up working on one of the sets though so it resulted in me sitting through 146 minutes of the most boring shit I have ever seen.

Still, it resulted in these weird dreams about sick people, zombies, and the apocalypse. It also resulted in my getting like 6 hours of very interrupted sleep which I am not ok with.

I'm the kind of girl who needs a good 9 hours.

This is going to be a good weekend. Hubs and I have duties today that can't really be discussed in public because they are technically against the rules (we'll just say it might involve a small girl with a bow) and then tomorrow we are going to the drive in to see The Hunger Games with Cats and Spicy Ramen. I am super excited. I LOVE the drive in and I haven't been there since I was a kid. I will wear my PJ's just in case I fall asleep.

I do have to get to those trainings I need to finish though. Maybe tomorrow afternoon.

IIH can kiss my ass.

Bummer Tummer

I kind of have a tummy ache. I think it is from the Hubs. Thanks Hubs.

I had a pretty awesome day. It was an early dismissal so the Hubs and I drove out to get my birth certificate as I needed a copy. We went to the wrong courthouse but ended up eating lunch at this terrible little diner. While disgusting for the most part they had the best fries. If you know me at all you know that french fries are my favorite food.

Only at this particular restaurant they did not call them french fries. Oh no. They were called...

Freedom Fries.

I had a tingly face all afternoon. I actually took a nap so I didn't have to feel the tingling anymore. It was my temples and around my eyes. My lower eyelids. Down into my cheeks. Kind of terrible. OK, super terrible.

There are a lot of things that I hate about IIH but the tingly face is the worst. It is impossible to ignore because it tickles and it kind of makes me want to cry. I was laying out in my hammock snuggled up in my favorite blanket with the sun on my face and I was totally distracted by the pins and needles around my eyelids.

Stupid acetazolamide.

Then I google it of course just to see if it is normal and I find that yeah, it is. I also find that some people feel it when their shunts malfunction. And then I remember how lucky I am.

Mardy Bum

Yesterday I was unpleasant.

I was not nice to my husband.

This song happened to come on my Pandora and while not only awesome it also served as an excellent apology for the time I yelled at my husband for being sick.

So next time someone is being unpleasant for no reason at all you should call them a Mardy Bum. According to Urban Dictionary that is someone who complains a lot.

I am a total mardy bum.

Genius

I have the best job in the world.

Today one of the kids was wearing a sweatshirt that had a missing the zipper pull. We shall call this particular young man Dimples. He was stuck in his sweatshirt so I put a paperclip on there so he could get in and out. You would have thought that I split the atom.

I felt pretty awesome about myself.

I forgot to take my pill today.

Never again. I think I have to get a pill case and put one of each in there to keep in my purse just in case. I assume I will have to rotate stock every once in a while.

How long does it take for medicine to go bad?

This week there are only two things I am annoyed about. I think this is pretty excellent.

Happy Tuesday!

Untitled

I am failing at this blog post.

I can't seem to get the right tone.

I can't think of the right title.

I am just at a loss as to what I want to say or really how I feel at this moment in time.

Physically I am fine. Slight neck ache. Slight headache. Slight cramps. Nothing debilitating.

Emotionally.

It was an interesting few days.

There are people in your life who make you feel like you're wrapped in a warm blanket.

There are people in your life who don't.

I want to spend my time with the people who make me feel like I am in the warm blanket.

Sweet Relief

I finally feel like a normal person again.

Well, not like I did before. Never like I did before.

But normaler.

I think I will take this moment of okness to talk about something that I have been putting off for far to long. I promised you this long ago and then life happened and he got shoved aside. He is so patient and good that he did not complain but simply waited patiently for his moment in the spotlight...

Roy.

Roy is doing really well. One side of him is a little smooshed because the dogs step on him accidentally when they walk up the stairs. This is interesting as they never used to which I believe means that he has expanded somewhat.

I hope this means he is thinking about exploding.

I am pretty sure that Roy exploding would make my life complete.

I have no problems

I have 6 or 8 problems at the moment. Most of them are pain related.

I am considering driving off a bridge but Hubs has told me that I need to wait at least three days. He says at that point we can reevaluate. I am becoming convinced that he will never see things my way. If I became a quadriplegic then I couldn't feel pain right?

And that was an absolutely terrible thing to say.

Horrible.

Sometimes I think awful things. I think what many people fail to understand is the nature of this condition. They fail to realize that this is a never ending cycle. When I am in pain there is nothing I can do. I just have to push through it and continue on with my life because the other option, sitting at home moaning, isn't really feasible for me. So I plaster on a smile and take care of the kids and pretend like it doesn't feel like there is a burning steel rod shoved into my neck.

This weekend I have really nothing to do, which is nice. I can catch up on some training stuff I have put off for basically the whole school year and wallow in my misery. Completely healthy. The Doosh will be in town which will be uplifting I am sure. He will give me really motivating advice...

"Stop being a little bitch."

"Rub some dirt on it and walk it off."

"No one cares."

Thanks Doosh. I love you too.

Blood Pressure

So I saw my PCP the other day.

He is super nice.

He is the reason that I was diagnosed so quickly and also the reason, in a round about way, that I ended up with Dr. Awesome. He needs a name but I do not have the mental capacity to think of one right now. So that will have to wait.

But anyway, he took my blood pressure and it was slightly elevated which it typically is in his office. So we got to talking about it.

Turns out, IIH can cause elevated blood pressure.

He said that the brain needs blood and increased ICP makes it harder for the brain to get blood. That means your body has to work harder causing high blood pressure. He said it is something we would have to monitor but because of my strong family history I most likely just have high blood pressure.

Still, it's interesting.

Silly IIH

There are times when IIH can be silly.

Today I was coming in from recess and I had a ton of floaters. One was different than all of the rest though. It was perfectly round and somewhat gray and it seemed to stay in the same exact spot no matter where I pointed my eye. I was freaking out about it slightly and determined that I might need to call my husband and Dr. Awesome. I was convinced I would be leaving work early to head into the hospital for another tap.

Luckily I had the presence of mind to remove my glasses and hold them up to the light before I took any drastic steps. Why was this lucky? Because there was a smudge on my glasses that mimicked a blind spot. Wouldn't I have looked stupid?

Benedryl.

huh?

Although it might not help my cold a ton I certainly don't care as much at the moment.

Today there is nothing profound. There is nothing insightful. There is just a lot of snot and coughing.

Tomorrow I will talk about blood pressure. Maybe.

Boogers.

I have a terrible cold.

It is terrible.

I am terrible.

I took a Benedryl and am sleepy but still coughing so I don't think I can sleep in bed because then everything will drain and I will not be able to fall asleep because I will be coughing and it will be terrible.

I think I should take a shower.

Then I could sleep a little later tomorrow.

Cold

Gah.

I have developed a cold. It seems to be residing in my throat so my voice is slightly gravely. I should maybe think about recording my blues album this week.

The sinus headache that accompanies it is not especially enjoyable either.

Someday soon I will catch a break.

The Wait is Over

So the wait is over.

I was not offered the position.

And while I keep telling myself that is ok there is a part of me that is totally not ok with any of this.

I just don't understand how much bad news a girl can be expected to take before she flips the hell out. I found out the answer last night. Three major pieces of bad news in 4 and a half months. That is how much it takes before a girl flips the hell out.

I flipped out.

I never flip out.

Ok, that is a lie. I freak out all the time. But I freak out in private. Typically in my car. Typically because I am jealous of people who can relieve their pain with a pill. Typically because I miss my life before when I felt like a normal girl.

Last night was not in private.


And I try to put a happy face on it because no one likes a cry baby. I don't like a cry baby. I like to make fun of my problems because then they are not so big and scary. It's like imagining a spider wearing polka dot boxers and a clown wig. As soon as you can laugh at it it's not so scary anymore.

So yeah. I thought I was fine because I was laughing. And I am fineish. And I will be finer.

Good things in my life...
The puppies who are snoring next to me.
The husband who loves me
The mom who feeds me
The friends who take care of me
The doctors who are knowledgeable about me
The Stinker and all of the other kids who I already make a difference for every day

Maybe my mom was right. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. Maybe I am not done here. Who knows.

Strawberry Smoothie

Today.

I have been so tired lately. Yesterday I slept for two hours and then went to bed at 11 and slept through the whole night. I would have done the same tonight but I went out for smoothies instead (thanks Prom Date).

I have nothing exciting to report. Just playing the waiting game.

Waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

Home.

I take a medicine for blood pressure.

My blood pressure has been waaaay lower since my IIH has been gotten under control somewhat and I am convinced that my elevated ICP had something to do with it. Surprise surprise, there have been no studies.

Even so, I plan on taking this blood pressure medicine until I die.

It lowers the heart rate as well, which calms me down. If I could take a medicine that kept my heart rate at like 30 I would. The day that must not be spoken of I got a stern reminder of what it was like before I started taking my anxiety medicine and my blood pressure medicine. It was not good. My heart was racing, there were butterflies in my stomach, there was a lack of focus on the world but a hyper focus on my problems, and there may have been a panic attack.

It was unpleasant.

Things are better.

I worry though (obviously). I worry about not being hired by TFA and then I worry about being hired by TFA. I have lived in this town my whole life. Everyone I see knows me. They know who I am and what I am about. If I say something outrageous they discount it because that is just how I am. If I do get hired by TFA I will have to start a whole new life and decide who I am.

And when I fall apart? There won't be anyone outside of my house to take me in and make me remember who I am and why I'm awesome.

Because I am awesome.

Sad Shirt

Today I was told that my shirt was not cute.

"Stinks, is my shirt cute?"

"No."

"Why not?!?"

"It is sad. You shouldn't live in it anymore."

Poor poor me and my poor poor shirt.

Falling apart

I hate crumbling.

Hate hate hate.

I hate falling apart.

I have these three huge problems and not a single one of them is in my control.

I really thought I was handling it.

I was completely wrong.

The Grind

Back to work today.

Cute kids, funny stories, lots of hugs.

A bike ride down to the pond. A family fishing.

Today was ok.

People with chronic neurological conditions are like 6 million times more likely to become depressed (NOT A REAL STATISTIC). I read that last night when I started to yell at the Hubs about taking care of me. I figured I should look up mood changes because I was having one.

So today I woke up and I made a choice.

It would be a good day.

Important fact... it is not technically illegal to have sex with a dead body in Illinois. They are trying to pass that law now so you may want to get on that.

I am a Girl.

I get girly when I feel shitty...

Deal with it.

I missed you

I am sorry. I have been unmotivated since my vacation.

Tomorrow is the first day back from spring break and so I have to get back to it.

I have had the shittiest head day ever in the world. I took a nap earlier, not because I was tired but just because I wanted to have my eyes closed. Sometimes when I have these days I think about the people who tell me that I always have a smile on my face and I want to go out and about because I do not always have a smile on my face.