Boogers.

I have a terrible cold.

It is terrible.

I am terrible.

I took a Benedryl and am sleepy but still coughing so I don't think I can sleep in bed because then everything will drain and I will not be able to fall asleep because I will be coughing and it will be terrible.

I think I should take a shower.

Then I could sleep a little later tomorrow.

Cold

Gah.

I have developed a cold. It seems to be residing in my throat so my voice is slightly gravely. I should maybe think about recording my blues album this week.

The sinus headache that accompanies it is not especially enjoyable either.

Someday soon I will catch a break.

The Wait is Over

So the wait is over.

I was not offered the position.

And while I keep telling myself that is ok there is a part of me that is totally not ok with any of this.

I just don't understand how much bad news a girl can be expected to take before she flips the hell out. I found out the answer last night. Three major pieces of bad news in 4 and a half months. That is how much it takes before a girl flips the hell out.

I flipped out.

I never flip out.

Ok, that is a lie. I freak out all the time. But I freak out in private. Typically in my car. Typically because I am jealous of people who can relieve their pain with a pill. Typically because I miss my life before when I felt like a normal girl.

Last night was not in private.


And I try to put a happy face on it because no one likes a cry baby. I don't like a cry baby. I like to make fun of my problems because then they are not so big and scary. It's like imagining a spider wearing polka dot boxers and a clown wig. As soon as you can laugh at it it's not so scary anymore.

So yeah. I thought I was fine because I was laughing. And I am fineish. And I will be finer.

Good things in my life...
The puppies who are snoring next to me.
The husband who loves me
The mom who feeds me
The friends who take care of me
The doctors who are knowledgeable about me
The Stinker and all of the other kids who I already make a difference for every day

Maybe my mom was right. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. Maybe I am not done here. Who knows.

Strawberry Smoothie

Today.

I have been so tired lately. Yesterday I slept for two hours and then went to bed at 11 and slept through the whole night. I would have done the same tonight but I went out for smoothies instead (thanks Prom Date).

I have nothing exciting to report. Just playing the waiting game.

Waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

Home.

I take a medicine for blood pressure.

My blood pressure has been waaaay lower since my IIH has been gotten under control somewhat and I am convinced that my elevated ICP had something to do with it. Surprise surprise, there have been no studies.

Even so, I plan on taking this blood pressure medicine until I die.

It lowers the heart rate as well, which calms me down. If I could take a medicine that kept my heart rate at like 30 I would. The day that must not be spoken of I got a stern reminder of what it was like before I started taking my anxiety medicine and my blood pressure medicine. It was not good. My heart was racing, there were butterflies in my stomach, there was a lack of focus on the world but a hyper focus on my problems, and there may have been a panic attack.

It was unpleasant.

Things are better.

I worry though (obviously). I worry about not being hired by TFA and then I worry about being hired by TFA. I have lived in this town my whole life. Everyone I see knows me. They know who I am and what I am about. If I say something outrageous they discount it because that is just how I am. If I do get hired by TFA I will have to start a whole new life and decide who I am.

And when I fall apart? There won't be anyone outside of my house to take me in and make me remember who I am and why I'm awesome.

Because I am awesome.

Sad Shirt

Today I was told that my shirt was not cute.

"Stinks, is my shirt cute?"

"No."

"Why not?!?"

"It is sad. You shouldn't live in it anymore."

Poor poor me and my poor poor shirt.

Falling apart

I hate crumbling.

Hate hate hate.

I hate falling apart.

I have these three huge problems and not a single one of them is in my control.

I really thought I was handling it.

I was completely wrong.

The Grind

Back to work today.

Cute kids, funny stories, lots of hugs.

A bike ride down to the pond. A family fishing.

Today was ok.

People with chronic neurological conditions are like 6 million times more likely to become depressed (NOT A REAL STATISTIC). I read that last night when I started to yell at the Hubs about taking care of me. I figured I should look up mood changes because I was having one.

So today I woke up and I made a choice.

It would be a good day.

Important fact... it is not technically illegal to have sex with a dead body in Illinois. They are trying to pass that law now so you may want to get on that.

I am a Girl.

I get girly when I feel shitty...

Deal with it.

I missed you

I am sorry. I have been unmotivated since my vacation.

Tomorrow is the first day back from spring break and so I have to get back to it.

I have had the shittiest head day ever in the world. I took a nap earlier, not because I was tired but just because I wanted to have my eyes closed. Sometimes when I have these days I think about the people who tell me that I always have a smile on my face and I want to go out and about because I do not always have a smile on my face.