Cookies

Today I baked.

Things I like...

1. Having a kitchen.

This is the thing I like. I have cooked more in the last month than I have in the last three years combined. I am pretty much enamored with everything about this new life I am carving out.

Dinner was a hit. : )

I also occasionally feel like my life is an episode of New Girl. Only with a lot more turkeys and hugs.

I also like this.

I might be deliriously happy. Maybe. Probably. I am.

Loss

Well. We have lost one of our fishie family.

He passed quietly in the bowl surrounded by those he loved.

He will be missed.

We didn't flush him but instead gave him a burial (I use the term burial loosely, it was more of a toss) in the backyard. The neighbor boy almost stepped on him when I was taking him out back for a swing in the hammock. Poor Wobbly (that's the fish, not the neighbor boy).

I will wear my black arm band for the required mourning period. Does anyone know what the required mourning period is for a fish?

Prom Date's parents are coming over for dinner tonight. I had the bright idea to make lasagna on the hottest day of the summer. Don't judge. So today will be a cooking and cleaning day. I made the sauce and my cake yesterday which means I just have to throw together rolls and the lasagna. Easy peasy lemon squeesy.

Speaking of the Prom Date's rents they got me the cutest apron from a car show this weekend. It is a cupcake apron and they got me a matching petticoat to make it poof. So flipping adorable. And funny, because I totally had an apron almost exactly like it on my Amazon wishlist.

I guess I better get going. Someone left the kitchen a mess yesterday. I wonder who that could be.

Trust

I have been dealing a lot with trust lately.

I come with baggage. Lots of baggage. Sometimes it feels like I am dragging a U-Haul behind me. A little bit of my baggage is past relationship related. That's three or four boxes. Most of my baggage is IIH related.

By nature IIH can be a lot to take in. I look perfectly healthy. Most days I can do all of the things I could do before. I am stubborn so mostly I refuse to let it stop me. But there are times when it does stop me. There are things I can't do.

The children question.

I can have children, but they might have IIH. I can have children, but I might have to have spinal taps each week because they don't know if my meds are safe to take until 20 weeks. I can have children, but I don't know that I will be able to SEE them.

The fact that the acetazolamide could stop working and I might need a shunt. The fact that the shunt might not work and then I won't work.

Is that fair to saddle someone with?

Most of the time I feel like the answer to that question is no. But luckily it's not my choice. I don't get to decide what someone else can live with.

And that's where trust comes in. Which is slightly scary for me. But I am getting ok with it.

And just a bonus... Prom Date on prom.

: )

Responsibility

Oooooh, what to say.

Yesterday Prom Date and I went to an auction. He decided I was responsible for organizing him. I was ok with this as I am an excellent organizer. Not only did I keep a log of the pertinent events that occurred at the auction, BUT I also made sure we didn't leave anything behind.

I was very important.

But now I have decided this organization needs to extend even beyond the auction and into the selling of the items he purchased. So this morning I made him a spreadsheet. And not just any only spreadsheet but one with FORMULAS that can be accessed from our phones.

I feel very smart.

The best part of all of this? On Friday he totally tried to convince me that he didn't need anyone to be responsible for him. Pssshhhh. Silly Prom Date. Good thing for him I am not a very good listener.

Fishie Family!

There is something I need to address here in this blog.

This is a serious topic that is close to my heart and has caused me a ton of pain over the past few months.

Rotting Roy.

The dissolution of my marriage has sadly brought about the end in the chronicles of the dissolution of Roy.

I am sorry Roy. I have failed you.

But never fear! There are new heroes on the horizon! Small, gold, and alive...

THE FISH FAMILY!

There is a TJizzle fish, a Prom Date fish, and a Me fish. They live in a spigot jar and stare at me when I eat breakfast.

Prom Date won them for me at the fair. I got my choice of anything I wanted. Large stuffed animals, glowing Mohawks, the kind carnie from the ring toss game. And of course I chose the the game with the living things that required equiptment and care.

But, because he is pretty much the best person on the planet, he won me some fish and then took me to the store where we spent at least an hour getting the PERFECT fish set up. He also didn't complain too much when pink rocks got all over the kitchen and we had to stay up past midnight to allow our fishie family a chance to get acclimated.

Did I mention yet that he is pretty much the best ever?

Moments

For some reason I feel the need to hold on to certain moments lately. I feel like I have to tuck them away somewhere or they will be gone forever.

Promises whispered in the dark.
An arm around me in the kitchen.
Flowers on a car seat.
Eyes constantly scanning the crowd for me.
Every single ambush.
Super cold cups.
The smell of metal on hands.

I have this feeling of sand slipping through my fingers. I worry that one day I will look down and it will all be gone.

Sometimes you have to walk uphill and it is no fault of your own. Sometimes when you're used to vacant eyes and empty promises the real thing seems like a mirage. Sometimes you get too caught up waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes you need to make up for someone else's breach of trust.

That is not fair.

But thank you.

Hope

This is my chest.

This is where I will put my hopes.

Or bright orange snow pants. I might put those in there too. The winter clothes will smell wonderful.

Prom Date bought it for me. He is quite the guy.

Or I could store a dead body in there.

Oh God. We are teetering on a fashion emergency. TJizzle is trying to leave the house in plaid on plaid.

I cannot allow this to happen.

This is almost as bad as jean on jean.

I have saved him from this terrible fate.

He has selected a solid blue shirt. This is by far the better option and now he can pick up hot nurses.

I need to go back to work. I am about to go crazy with boredom. The house is clean. The laundry is done. The fridge is cleaned out. I might even... GASP... clean the floors. I do need to make up some sugar cookie dough but that would require me to wash the dishes I pulled out of the fridge and I don't know that I am that motivated yet. They aren't due until babysitting tomorrow morning so my natural urge to procrastinate is taking over.

I start sitting again tomorrow for the Stinks and then I have my first camp on Monday. Then I will feel better.

I was thinking last night about the fatigue when I was first diagnosed. I would take my pill at 7 am on the dot and by lunch at 12:30 I was falling asleep in my car. I would have to push through the rest of the day and then I would get home and pass out on the couch where I would pretty much sleep until the morning. Just getting up when my alarm went off to take my pill at 7 pm. I would say in general I am more tired than I was before diagnosis, but I am so glad that this particular side effect has pretty much cleared up.

When we were in Baltimore and then again when I was helping Prom Date and his family out this weekend I did notice that I wear out more quickly. That is frustrating. I noticed in Baltimore that a day of walking was way harder on me than it had been the year before. I hate that. Luckily I am stubborn enough not to let it stop me.

But wait... There's MORE!

I saw the neurologist yesterday.

Dr. Awesome was awesome, as always.

We chatted a bit. I had to push and pull him. He did not tickle my feet. He peeked at my eyes. Asked me about headaches and then told me he didn't need to see me for 5 more months. After he had coaxed me out of the corner and calmed my weeping he explained that while he WANTED to see me everyday there really was no medical reason. So then I began to fake double vision. He did not buy it.

So yeah. I think I am officially managed.

This is awesome.

Homeostasis

I am happy.

I feel like I have nothing to blog about anymore.

I have a comfortable place to live, a reliable car, good friends, and hardly any headaches.

So I am sorry if updates begin to be slightly farther apart. Just assume that everything is fine. Just assume that I am in the kitchen cooking or snuggled on the couch reading. Just assume that I am ok and healthy and happy and most importantly taking care of myself.

Just assume that I am wonderful.

Eyeballs

I know I said I was going the the eye doctor weeks ago, but I lied.

I went to the eye doctor but the appointment had been made with the wrong person so I had to reschedule. Today was the day I rescheduled for.

Dr. Straightman is pretty awesome. He is super nice and I think interested in me. I am rare you see. So he did the whole standard exam and my corrected vision is still 20/20. This is very good as it means the swelling that I had did not cause me to lose vision.

Then he looked at my optic nerves. I have such big eyes that they don't even have to dilate me. There is NO SWELLING in either nerve. This is awesome. The headaches are manageable and there is no swelling which means that even though my pressure is slightly high I can stay on my current dose of acetazolamide.

The only negative was that he saw some permanent damage to my left optic nerve. I guess something about the color indicated there was slight damage from how swollen it was the first time. He said that it probably would hardly be noticeable.

So all in all a great appointment.

Happy Saturday! Or as I like to call it, nap day.