The boyfriend formarly known as Prom Date

I met Prom Date many moons ago. Back in the heady days of freshman year of high school. I was just getting out of my awkward phase and realizing hey, boys really do like me! And Prom Date was a senior with a thing for girls with crazy colored hair.

He destroyed my bridge.

We lost touch after he left school but kept bumping into each other as it's a small town and a small world. It's so funny to hear about those interactions from his point of view. We look at those memories so differently.

Prom Date and I starting hanging out again because of a mutual friend. Little did I know he was following my tale of IIH woe on facebook and madly googling information that I was too scared to look up myself.

The first time I went over to his house with said friend he looked me right in eye and asked, "are you happy?"

To my dismay I couldn't answer that question. I had no idea if I was happy. I hadn't thought in those terms in so long. So I thought about it. And I thought about it. And the answer was no. I went back to Prom Date's house and I really talked to him. I talked about why I wasn't happy and he reminded me it was ok to tell the person you were with what you needed. He reminded me what it felt like to stand up for myself and he reminded me that sometimes we all needed to be a little selfish.

So he needs a new name. This has been a long time coming, but I was waiting until everything was all said and done.

A new name for Prom Date... how about BiFF? Because he will always always always be my best friend. Always.

<3

Explanations

I have been gone for a while.

Complete radio silence.

I return with a new (old) last name a new lease on life.

I think subconsciously I was waiting to write this entry. There was so much I couldn't say for fear of offending the wrong person and causing the process to grow and lengthen. I wanted out as soon as possible and worked to make it as quick, cheap, and easy as possible.

When I walked out the door I didn't think it was goodbye. I thought there would be more talk and fighting. I thought there would be a last ditch effort at reconciliation that I would have to decline because quite frankly it was broken beyond repair.

I was completely wrong.

There was nothing and so all of the things I thought I would get to say to him have come out in bits and pieces and fallen on ears that did not need to hear them. Still they listened. They listened while I realized things that everyone else already knew. They listened while I cried over the loss of a life that wasn't wonderful to begin with. And they listened while I went through the process of regaining my self worth and remembering I am someone worth love and happiness. I am someone capable who can accomplish anything. And they encouraged and smiled and laughed and sometimes cried right along with me.

And I realized that this had all been available to me the whole time, but I had felt the need to put on this face. My everything is fine face. Well, everything wasn't fine. You hurt me and made me feel less and then made me feel like it was my fault. You made me feel guilty for getting sick and for not working hard enough and you made me feel like I was not enough every single day. And I became helpless as a reaction to you. Yes, it was my choice, but I wanted to force you to care. I wanted to force you to do what you had promised. It was sick, and twisted, and codependent and it is over. Thank god it is over.

And now I remember who I am.

I didn't take anyone with me when I got divorced. Not because I couldn't find anyone but because I didn't NEED anyone. I am strong enough to get it done on my own. I can stand on my own two feet. I can take care of me. I don't NEED anyone. I want people. There are people who I would walk over hot coals for if it meant keeping them in my life, but if they make the choice to walk away I don't feel like I will blow away because now I have roots. And they come from me.

I am a bad ass.

The best part? I did it my own damn self. : )

Ichy Nose

Everyone in my house has the same cold.

All of us are crabby.

You may want to stay away for a little while.

Summer is almost over. I am relieved. I will be happy to start getting regular paychecks again. I will be happy to have a routine again. I will also be happy to hang out with Mrs. Rocketship everyday. I will be happy to get out of the house for a solid 8 hours. I will be happy to be a productive member of society again.

I think I needed this time though. I needed a few months to decompress from the years of two jobs and constant financial stress. I needed to worry about just me for a few months and pretend to be a lady who lunches.

Next school year not so much. I already have school, babysitting, and work with the parks and rec lined up. So hopefully I will be able to stock a lot away to help get my new life underway in style. : )

Fishues

I haven't updated about the fish lately.

They are ok.

We had a bit of an ammonia problem so our fish turned black. They are slowly turning gold again. Poor fish.

I have been dizzy for the past two days. Vertigo. A common problem among those with IIH. We checked my blood pressure and that's fine so I am guessing it is a head pressure thing that is disrupting the fluid balance in my ears.

Bleck.

I am considering cutting off my head. Prom Date said no. Party pooper.

Crabs

I am ready for summer to be over.

I am sick of not having a routine. I am sick of not knowing what I am getting myself into most days. I am sick of not being the expert on my kiddos. I am sick of not knowing what day it is.

Mrs. Rocketship, I NEED calendar.

Getting back to the Stinks feels like coming home. I know what to say to her, I know how to motivate her. And even on her worst days I know exactly what to expect.

I am petrified to see what next year brings. Life after the Stinks is daunting.

But it will be the same students, the same routine, the same coworkers, and the same tasks.

And I will still have the Stinks. Three days a week. At least 5 and a half hours a week. I might sneak her in my purse and carry around school with me. Just so she can say something funny when I am having a crap day.

Brave

Sometimes even the things you want more than anything are scary.

Petitions.

Filing.

Dissolution.

Cutting apart what you thought held you together for a long time.

But it didn't. It didn't hold you together. You are the glue that holds you together. It's always nice to have someone to lean on. It's always nice to have that support, but you are the one who gets out of bed every day and puts one foot in front of the other.

No one else can do that for you.

And the future is so bright. Anything is possible. Absolutely anything.

Swim with the Fishies

I think my nose is sunburned.

I got to cross two things off of my list this weekend. One is none of your business, the other one was driving a boat.

We went to Prom Date's parent's house on the Mississippi where we swam until I was completely pruney from head to toe.

This is my idea of heaven.

I have also managed to find four free books for my kindle that look interesting.

Also my idea of heaven.

<3

Life, it's pretty grand.

Headaches

Shhhh, Prom Date is sleeping.

This whole working nights business is stupid. Like, really stupid.

Last night we went to a rib fest in our little town. It was fun. And Prom Date's mom asked how I was feeling as I had been having pretty consistent but super mild headaches for the past few days. I replied that I was better, but it lead to a discussion about how I know what kind of headache it is.

This is an interesting question and one I have discussed with Dr. Awesome at length. We have worked out a system. I ask myself four questions...

1. Have I eaten today?
2. Have I had enough water today?
3. Have I had caffeine today?
4. Did I sleep last night?

If any of those things need to be fixed I try to remedy the situation. If they don't need to be fixed or the fix doesn't work I take three or four Motrin, depending on the headache. If THAT doesn't work then it is safe to assume it is a pressure headache.

A pressure headache WILL NOT go away unless you reduce the pressure. And so, that's how I know. : )

Life Happens

Today I was at the store. I saw a gen. ed. teacher I worked with my first year out of college. She was with her husband, adorable little baby, and special needs son. Now I didn't even know this woman well enough to say hello, but it got me thinking.

Life happens.

All of your best laid plans can be disrupted in a minute. And all you can do is to deal with it.

No one asks for an IIH diagnosis.

But you can deal with it. I promise.

Don't let the forums scare you. Don't let the side effects scare you. Don't let the threat of surgery scare you. Just live your life the best you can.

Rawr

I have had a headache for like four days.

Nothing major, just a slight neck ache and headache in my forehead.

Just enough to be annoying, but not enough to stop anything. Just enough to make me throw a slight fit in the kitchen and then quietly do the dishes (I can do those Sweetie).

Sometimes I eat fries just for the condiments.

TJizzle just saved me from the world's largest spider. He is quite handy.

Today Prom Date fixed the fan. He is also quite handy.

I am lucky to live with two such handy young gentlemen.

Holy shit, I might be tired. I better take advantage of this while I can!