I'm so Neeeeeeervous

I have suffered from anxiety for as long as I can remember.

It was pretty obvious.

Still I didn't seek help for it until last year. I woke up from a kidney stone procedure and due to some drugs was calm. My heart wasn't racing. My mind was quiet. I looked at Hubs and said, "is this what it's like for you?" When he said yes I knew it was time to talk to my PCP. The doctor prescribed Lexapro for me and it worked wonders. I was able to face things head on again. I didn't have to look at things from the corner of my eye. My brain no longer invented things to worry about. It was glorious.

Then I was diagnosed with IIH.

Things got worse again on the anxiety front. I chalked it up to the extra stress and went on my way assuming that things would be better when I started to get used to this diagnosis. It has been getting worse. Not all of the time. It will hit me out of left field and suddenly I will be freaking out about something. It is unpleasant and causes me to do and say things that are completely out of character. Even as I am doing and saying them I am embarrassed and ashamed because this is not like me. But it is like it is out of my control.

Tonight was especially bad.

So I googled it. And the results were astonishing. On the message boards it seems like everyone is talking about how they feel the exact same way. There are numerous studies with IIH patients presenting with psychiatric complaints. They surmise that it might be an effect of the increased pressure on our brains.

And now I just want to cry because not only am I not alone but I don't think I am crazy.

And again I am left wondering, how long has this been going on? How long has my pressure been high? How long has this been screwing with my brain? And they say that IIH probably doesn't cause these symptom simply makes them present more strongly. But maybe I would have been functional without meds if I didn't have IIH.

And does any of this really matter? Or does it just give me another reason to be angry? Another reason to hate this condition and the lack of research and the lack of attention and the lack of support and the lack of everything. I don't know.