I have been gone for a while.
Complete radio silence.
I return with a new (old) last name a new lease on life.
I think subconsciously I was waiting to write this entry. There was so much I couldn't say for fear of offending the wrong person and causing the process to grow and lengthen. I wanted out as soon as possible and worked to make it as quick, cheap, and easy as possible.
When I walked out the door I didn't think it was goodbye. I thought there would be more talk and fighting. I thought there would be a last ditch effort at reconciliation that I would have to decline because quite frankly it was broken beyond repair.
I was completely wrong.
There was nothing and so all of the things I thought I would get to say to him have come out in bits and pieces and fallen on ears that did not need to hear them. Still they listened. They listened while I realized things that everyone else already knew. They listened while I cried over the loss of a life that wasn't wonderful to begin with. And they listened while I went through the process of regaining my self worth and remembering I am someone worth love and happiness. I am someone capable who can accomplish anything. And they encouraged and smiled and laughed and sometimes cried right along with me.
And I realized that this had all been available to me the whole time, but I had felt the need to put on this face. My everything is fine face. Well, everything wasn't fine. You hurt me and made me feel less and then made me feel like it was my fault. You made me feel guilty for getting sick and for not working hard enough and you made me feel like I was not enough every single day. And I became helpless as a reaction to you. Yes, it was my choice, but I wanted to force you to care. I wanted to force you to do what you had promised. It was sick, and twisted, and codependent and it is over. Thank god it is over.
And now I remember who I am.
I didn't take anyone with me when I got divorced. Not because I couldn't find anyone but because I didn't NEED anyone. I am strong enough to get it done on my own. I can stand on my own two feet. I can take care of me. I don't NEED anyone. I want people. There are people who I would walk over hot coals for if it meant keeping them in my life, but if they make the choice to walk away I don't feel like I will blow away because now I have roots. And they come from me.
I am a bad ass.
The best part? I did it my own damn self. : )